Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Thank you Home Shopping Network...

OK, so I’ve felt a little awkward walking around the back lawn with a hose while brushing my teeth the last two mornings. A little less awkward than rinsing with Listerine while screaming, ‘AHHH! CRAP!! That water is cold!!’ at 5:15 AM but still awkward.

Sorry mom, I do say ‘Crap’ at 5:15 AM when I’m on a freezing dewy lawn trying to rinse out my mouth with slightly above freezing water. I try to make sure the neighbor kids don’t hear me, heck, I try to make sure no one hears me lest they come outside and see me flossing standing in my pajamas and slippers.

Chris and my conversations have become progressively more ‘interesting’:

Me: Hey sweetie, I’m running to Vons, do you need anything?’

Chris: I’m good thanks. What are you getting at Vons?!?!’

Me: Oh nothing, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.

Chris: Cool. Let me grab my slippers and I’ll go with you.


Me: I’ll take a spicy chicken sandwich and a large fry

Counter lady: Anything to drink?

Me: Oh geez no.

Chris: I’ll take the same.

Counter lady: Anything to drink?

Chris: Definitely N-o.


Chris: Hey babe, I’m thinking I won’t have to take out the sidewalk or the curb; I can just dig a tunnel!! Ehh? Ehh?


Neighbor comes over and quizzically looks at Chris who is digging in a waist deep hole.

Neighbor: What are you doing?!?!?

Chris: Digging a moat. You guys aren't allergic to aligators are you?


But hey, HSN still brings joy to my day. Check out today's special:

I think I’m going to order the Crop-A-Dile and Bedazzle the heck out of my clothes.

Maybe I’ll make a shirt that says, ‘No thanks. I don’t need help. I’m just here to use your bathroom.’

Oh, and no, I um... totally don't um... watch the Home Shopping Network. I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I was flipping the channels and the remote control broke while on that channel. Um. Yeah. Totally.


Nicole said...

Isn't it amazing how they make you think you NEED what they are selling?

Anonymous said...

LMBO! Can't use A since your mom may be watching. =) You are just so funny!

sewcreative said...

You're cracking me up ashmystir! But you're absolutely correct, mom is always checking out this blog. I really did raise good kids. Really. They were never allowed to use horrible words like the 'b' word (butt), the 's' word (shut up) and ESPECIALLY the 'f' word (fart). I just never thought about any of the other words that are out there. I probably should have concentrated on them a little more, but I was so caught up on the words listed above that I didn't give a thought to any mistake. :-)
Thanks for thinking. Love always, mom