Friday, February 1, 2008

Flashback Friday...

Technically I'm only flashing back to last month but I'm going to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse tonight - which has nothing to do with flashback Friday, I just wanted to drop that in somewhere, can you tell I'm excited?!?!?

Anyway...

Grams and Gramps gave mom a set of super adorable snowman cooking ornaments from Williams and Sonoma. I absolutely loved them and decided to write grams and gramps a kind letter about them:


Complaint Department
J and J Assoc.
Somewhere in a city ending in - Ville

December 28, 2007

To Whom It May Concern:

On a recent visit to the house of a client, Mrs. Deborah H, I was made aware of some precious items in her possession that perhaps should not be. Ms. H had four (4) snowpeople from Williams and Sonoma hanging from her Holiday Tree (previously known as the politically incorrect, ‘Christmas Tree’).

It is my understanding that these were gifts from you in recognition of her recent Culinary Arts Cooking Class completion. I would like to inform you of the truth because obviously, she has deceived you. Ms. H would not have passed that class without my constant monitoring. Ms. H did not even have adequate transportation or a parking permit. She forced me to drive for her while constantly belittling me and telling me to, ‘shut up you little brat’. Ms. H does NOT deserve any sort of recognition other than that from a law enforcement officer. Frankly, I find it offensive that Ms. H received these snowpeople while I did not.

I’m not sure what kind of people work for J and J Associates, but I question your moral character. The fact that you consort with this ethically bankrupt woman worries me. On the day in question when I took notice of said snowpeople, I was only near Ms. H to serve her with a restraining order.

It is my request that you immediately take back said snowpeople and give them to me.

In your heart, you know what is right.

Thank you for your time,

Rebekah Atkinson
Parole Officer
San Diego County Jail



Unfortunately... grams and gramps had already ordered a set for me... prior to receiving the letter because they heard how much I loved the ornaments. I got the set in the mail a few days later. Oops. Soooo, I had to write another because I think it's very important to take responsibility for your actions. And I NEVER make excuses.


Complaint Department
J and J Assoc.
Somewhere in a city ending in - Ville

January 10, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

Please accept my deepest apologies for the letter dated December 28, 2007. The Christmas holidays are a busy time here at the jail (all the DUI’s and everything) and I forgot to take my psychiatric medication. Although this is a medical and very personal issue, I feel the need to explain.

I found a copy of the letter to you dated December 28th, 2007 in the trash can. After reviewing the letter, I was shocked and dismayed at what was written. But, I can assure all at Johnson & Johnson, that I did NOT write that letter.

I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and some of those personalities suffer from Schizophrenia – I know, my doctor says it’s weird. My strongest personality is ‘Beatrice’ and she likes to complain… a lot. Although quite kind at times, she thinks everyone is ‘after her’. I’m sure Mrs. H is a very nice person, but for some reason, ‘Beatrice’ was terrified of her. Please disregard the letter and please… don’t sue me or ‘Beatrice’ for slander.

I am heavily medicated at this time and haven’t seen or heard from ‘Beatrice’ in 10 days. You should be safe from another letter.

Please send me a bill for any and all of your necessary psychotherapy. I receive a bulk discount and have very good insurance.

Oh, and ‘Beatrice’ says thanks for the Snow people. She now plans on returning the ones stolen from Mrs. H.

Thank you for your time,

Rebekah Atkinson
Parole Officer
San Diego County Jail




I'm just very glad I have grandparents with a sense of humor... oh and grandparents that are half the country away....

they can't hit me from there.

8 comments:

sewcreative said...

Dear Beatrice, I was shocked and alarmed by your pitiful behavior. I, being the said favorite daughter, deserve the snow people and more. You as a complete looser, have now been taken out of any will that may have left you anything. (Not that there has ever been anything to give, but if there was.......) Anyway, I will certainly be on the look out for you as we enter yet another semester of culinary arts together.

Mrs. H

Lisa C Magnus said...

Dear Beatrice,
I am not sure who this Mrs. H is , but she is in a state of dilusion. It is very clear and well known that I myself am the favorite of J&J (known as Auntie M and Uncle P). She may be their biological daughter, but I am their adopted daughter. And all that she believes is left to her in the will has actually been left to me. I have heard she has a little schitzo happening, so beware of the knives in culinary class.

Nicole said...

I agree that Mrs. H has been far too spoiled in these recent years and therefor understand why you would jump to the conclusion that she was once again being favored by J & J. I see that J & J have recognized the error of their ways and seen the light in this situation. They must have felt really bad because I received a package as well that included cake decorating equipment. I am glad that this issue has now been thoroughly resolved. Yours in empathy,
Nicole M

Nicole said...

By the way Mrs. H, "looser" is spelled LOSER! Sorry to point it out but it is a pet peeve of mine.

Ashmystir said...

Bekah...

I see that your family is as crazy as mine. I LOVE IT! =)

Lizzie M. said...

Dear Beatrice,
I, as well as Nicole M, have received lavish gifts from said J&J, not sure what Mrs. H is talking about, but beware....
Mrs Lizzie M

sewcreative said...

You know it is a sad state of affairs when your children are completely disillusioned in their way of thinking in regards to the family favorite chain. I believe I AM and always will BE the favorite. (Eat your heart out guys!) You all need to respect my front runner place. Maybe you'll get a little plant or something. Tee hee.

Love always, mom

mike a said...

Maybe she meant "looser"?