My weekend?!?!…

I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

But, I CAN be grateful. Out of all that could have gone wrong – electrical, roofing, etc – the problem was plumbing, which happens to be my man’s specialty. What would have cost the average Joe Blow upwards of several grand in city charges, backhoe charges, and labor charges - only cost us about $180 and a whole lot of arm strength from my fantastic dad and Chris who both put in an entire day of hard labor. Many thanks to those who stopped by to lend a helping hand.

Sure Chris was smiling, he was in the backhoe while my dad was 6 feet down a hole!

Jessie stopped by to help out. Dad was in the hole, you just can't see him.

Chris' family stops by to help put the yard back together.

And that's it. If you don't hear from me for a few days, it's because I'm showering.

Pass the sugar free gum please...

Sorry, but I fail to see the problem...



http://body.aol.com/condition-center/digestive-disorders/news/article/_a/too-much-sugar-free-gum-linked-to-severe/20080111092909990001



Thank heavens I keep a bucket of sugar-free Dentyne Ice by my desk. I better get chewing!!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Happy birthday to my wonderfully fantastic mother.

Have a good one mom!

Thank you Home Shopping Network...

OK, so I’ve felt a little awkward walking around the back lawn with a hose while brushing my teeth the last two mornings. A little less awkward than rinsing with Listerine while screaming, ‘AHHH! CRAP!! That water is cold!!’ at 5:15 AM but still awkward.

Sorry mom, I do say ‘Crap’ at 5:15 AM when I’m on a freezing dewy lawn trying to rinse out my mouth with slightly above freezing water. I try to make sure the neighbor kids don’t hear me, heck, I try to make sure no one hears me lest they come outside and see me flossing standing in my pajamas and slippers.

Chris and my conversations have become progressively more ‘interesting’:

Me: Hey sweetie, I’m running to Vons, do you need anything?’

Chris: I’m good thanks. What are you getting at Vons?!?!’

Me: Oh nothing, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.

Chris: Cool. Let me grab my slippers and I’ll go with you.

__________________________________________________________________________

Me: I’ll take a spicy chicken sandwich and a large fry

Counter lady: Anything to drink?

Me: Oh geez no.

Chris: I’ll take the same.

Counter lady: Anything to drink?

Chris: Definitely N-o.

___________________________________________________________________________


Chris: Hey babe, I’m thinking I won’t have to take out the sidewalk or the curb; I can just dig a tunnel!! Ehh? Ehh?

___________________________________________________________________________

Neighbor comes over and quizzically looks at Chris who is digging in a waist deep hole.

Neighbor: What are you doing?!?!?

Chris: Digging a moat. You guys aren't allergic to aligators are you?

__________________________________________________________________

But hey, HSN still brings joy to my day. Check out today's special: http://crafts-sewing.hsn.com/we-r-memory-keepers-crop-a-dile-400-piece-eyelet-setter-and-punch-crafting-tool_p-3113546_xp.aspx?web_id=3113546&ocm=sekw





I think I’m going to order the Crop-A-Dile and Bedazzle the heck out of my clothes.

Maybe I’ll make a shirt that says, ‘No thanks. I don’t need help. I’m just here to use your bathroom.’








Oh, and no, I um... totally don't um... watch the Home Shopping Network. I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I was flipping the channels and the remote control broke while on that channel. Um. Yeah. Totally.

What's next?!?!?

Last night my dogs ran away. Considering we have busy streets to the South and to the North, I wasn’t holding out that the dogs were still 3 dimensional.

This morning I checked online at the local shelters and found my dogs. I went to the shelter to find a line of only 4 people. ‘Sweet!’ I’m thinking, ‘I’ll be in and out in 10 minutes tops.’ Unfortunately those 4 people were there to adopt/claim/license/relinquish their dogs – all of which required: name, address, driver’s license, mother’s maiden name, license plate number, value of vehicle, name of father’s birth city, anticipated name of first born child (whew! At least I had THAT covered! Optimus Prime!), etc. 40 minutes and three gray hairs later, I get to the front of the line, pull out the tag numbers of my dogs, and smile expectantly.

‘How do you know these dogs are yours?’ The lady asked

‘They are the same color, gender, type of animal, type of breed, found in the same location, found on the same day as my dogs went missing, dogs. I can describe them if you want.’ I smiled.

‘You’re going to have to go out and identify them’ she said.

I go out (in the most uncomfortable shoes known to mankind I might add) and walk to the cage on the furthest reaches of the planet with the ‘Kennel Master’, look at my dogs and say, ‘Yup, those are my dogs’.

I go back inside and walk up to the lady who just sent me outside, who looks at me and says, ‘Mam, you’ll have to sign back in.’ I look behind me at the line, which was now 8 people, and wonder if crying in public is acceptable in this situation. 52 minutes later, I met with another lady who asked if I could prove the dogs were mine. I told her I could describe them perfectly and she said, ‘Did you look at the dogs?’ ‘Well, yes,’ I responded, ‘but that’s only because that other lady said I had to in order to claim the dogs.’

We debated for a good 20 minutes until she caved to contacting my vet, who very quickly identified the dogs. She then pulled out her keyboard and started reading off my list of fines…

Board
Food
Water
Staff
Licensing penalties
Quarantine fees
Unknown vaccination fees
And on and on and on

‘Well, your preliminary fines are $150 but I’m still waiting on some more numbers to compute.’ She said while typing.

‘$150?!?!?!’ I coughed.

‘$150 + for EACH’ she said definitively.

‘How much to give them to you? I don’t like dogs anymore’ I said seriously.

‘Look, if you license/vaccinate/microchip/neuter through us, we’ll make all these fines go away. I can do all that for 80 bucks.’ she said, sounding like a member of the mafia.

I pick up my dogs – minus their man parts – tomorrow.




THEN, I had to go to the dentist for an appointment I scheduled months ago. I switched dentists because I felt the other one was doing a poor job.

Judging by the ‘oh my’s’ and the ‘why did they do that’s’ said by the new dentist - I was right.

Those two crowns I got mere months ago and spent $1,500 on are actually causing damage and have to be taken out and replaced. The new filling? Has to be drilled out and crowned.

My bill?

I’m going to type this out so you feel my pain…

Three THOUSAND, six HUNDRED, thirty five dollars.



I just parked the value of a Ford Focus in my mouth.



I sat on the couch to watch the entire Season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy while eating a therapeutic gallon of Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream from Rite Aid when Chris leaned in and said, ‘Hey hon, don’t use any of the bathrooms, sinks, toilets,… just don’t use any water at all. The plumbing pipes are messed up and I won’t be able to fix it tonight. You can’t take a shower tomorrow and you’ll have to wash your face with the hose. Sorry babe.’

‘That’s fine’ I said with an eerie smile, ‘I’ll just use the bathroom at Rite Aid when I go back to get the second - and necessary - therapeutic gallon of Chocolate Malted Crunch.’

If you notice a little more pudge on my rump… just don’t say anything - its therapy.

Danged Technology…

I’m not into the whole idea of ever changing technology. It’s not that I don’t or can’t understand it, I just don’t like it. It seems like when I finally get comfortable with something, they change it and I have to relearn everything.

When it comes to cell phones, I’m probably worse. My cell phone was just shy of 3 years old and the only reason I finally caved to a new one was because my old one broke beyond repair.

I feel like I’m the only 27 year old who watches those commercials featuring the cell phones designed for senior citizens (I.E. the Jitterbug with the huge number buttons, the big green ‘send’ button, the big red ‘end/power button’, and NO camera) and exclaim, ‘I want one of those!’.

I went to the cell phone store and spent the required 14 hours there. I’m pretty sure you could take a Greyhound bus across country, stop for a few days in Graceland, and return, all before I even got to the front of the line.

They suggested several phone options, pointing out the extras on each such as MP3 players, camera phones, and video capabilities. The problem is, I’m not one of those people who pull out their cell phone, watch a u-tube video of flatulent monkeys, while listening to Mariah Carey on the MP3 player, while taking a picture of my friends, while talking to my mother on speaker phone, while texting my brother.

Heck, I didn’t even send my very first text message until a few months ago. It was just easier to throw the phone at my brothers and say, “Dude, can you reply to this?”

Then, when I finally figured out this whole stupid texting thing, I couldn’t speak the language… and trust me… it’s a language. I’m probably the only person who actually writes, ‘I’ll see you later’ with the apostrophe or for that matter, more than 5 letters. When a friend sent a message saying, ‘C U L8R’, I had to Google it to figure out what the heck she meant.

Forget the Spanish to English dictionaries, I’m going to compile a Texting to English dictionary and make millions off people like me.

I ended up with one of those RAZR phones – what, is using an ‘E’ so last year? Oh wait. It’s probably more texting language that I don’t get. Anyway, I tossed it into my purse and left forgetting, of course, that they have the phones set on default rings and volumes. I’m in the back corner of Target enjoying the silence when a sound straight from the ‘Gentleman’s Club - Pure Platinum’ screeches from my purse at decibels audible from space.

Because that’s not embarrassing.

Then, because everyone in the world knows one of the most annoying sounds is someone changing their ring tone, I had to leave the ‘stripper’ tunes on my phone until I could get home.

Thank you Colegate for calling three times.

I finally did get home and for the very first time, assigned custom ring tones.

For you Cole, Hells Bells by AC/DC.

The only problem is, sometimes, I’d rather hear Hells Bells than Colegate or Kashmir by Led Zeppelin than Chris so if I don’t answer your call….

It’s because I’m dancing.

New Years Picts...

We had a fabulous New Years party at our house. Here are a few picts...