What's next?!?!?

Last night my dogs ran away. Considering we have busy streets to the South and to the North, I wasn’t holding out that the dogs were still 3 dimensional.

This morning I checked online at the local shelters and found my dogs. I went to the shelter to find a line of only 4 people. ‘Sweet!’ I’m thinking, ‘I’ll be in and out in 10 minutes tops.’ Unfortunately those 4 people were there to adopt/claim/license/relinquish their dogs – all of which required: name, address, driver’s license, mother’s maiden name, license plate number, value of vehicle, name of father’s birth city, anticipated name of first born child (whew! At least I had THAT covered! Optimus Prime!), etc. 40 minutes and three gray hairs later, I get to the front of the line, pull out the tag numbers of my dogs, and smile expectantly.

‘How do you know these dogs are yours?’ The lady asked

‘They are the same color, gender, type of animal, type of breed, found in the same location, found on the same day as my dogs went missing, dogs. I can describe them if you want.’ I smiled.

‘You’re going to have to go out and identify them’ she said.

I go out (in the most uncomfortable shoes known to mankind I might add) and walk to the cage on the furthest reaches of the planet with the ‘Kennel Master’, look at my dogs and say, ‘Yup, those are my dogs’.

I go back inside and walk up to the lady who just sent me outside, who looks at me and says, ‘Mam, you’ll have to sign back in.’ I look behind me at the line, which was now 8 people, and wonder if crying in public is acceptable in this situation. 52 minutes later, I met with another lady who asked if I could prove the dogs were mine. I told her I could describe them perfectly and she said, ‘Did you look at the dogs?’ ‘Well, yes,’ I responded, ‘but that’s only because that other lady said I had to in order to claim the dogs.’

We debated for a good 20 minutes until she caved to contacting my vet, who very quickly identified the dogs. She then pulled out her keyboard and started reading off my list of fines…

Board
Food
Water
Staff
Licensing penalties
Quarantine fees
Unknown vaccination fees
And on and on and on

‘Well, your preliminary fines are $150 but I’m still waiting on some more numbers to compute.’ She said while typing.

‘$150?!?!?!’ I coughed.

‘$150 + for EACH’ she said definitively.

‘How much to give them to you? I don’t like dogs anymore’ I said seriously.

‘Look, if you license/vaccinate/microchip/neuter through us, we’ll make all these fines go away. I can do all that for 80 bucks.’ she said, sounding like a member of the mafia.

I pick up my dogs – minus their man parts – tomorrow.




THEN, I had to go to the dentist for an appointment I scheduled months ago. I switched dentists because I felt the other one was doing a poor job.

Judging by the ‘oh my’s’ and the ‘why did they do that’s’ said by the new dentist - I was right.

Those two crowns I got mere months ago and spent $1,500 on are actually causing damage and have to be taken out and replaced. The new filling? Has to be drilled out and crowned.

My bill?

I’m going to type this out so you feel my pain…

Three THOUSAND, six HUNDRED, thirty five dollars.



I just parked the value of a Ford Focus in my mouth.



I sat on the couch to watch the entire Season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy while eating a therapeutic gallon of Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream from Rite Aid when Chris leaned in and said, ‘Hey hon, don’t use any of the bathrooms, sinks, toilets,… just don’t use any water at all. The plumbing pipes are messed up and I won’t be able to fix it tonight. You can’t take a shower tomorrow and you’ll have to wash your face with the hose. Sorry babe.’

‘That’s fine’ I said with an eerie smile, ‘I’ll just use the bathroom at Rite Aid when I go back to get the second - and necessary - therapeutic gallon of Chocolate Malted Crunch.’

If you notice a little more pudge on my rump… just don’t say anything - its therapy.