Oh don't even get me started...

Sorry so quiet as of late. Busy.

Chris and I had to stop by the house we are buying – herein after to be known as the ‘Ugly Brown House’ – to meet the appraiser Monday. The homeowner let us in and we stood uncomfortably at the door while the appraiser looked around.

When the lady wasn’t looking, I peaked into the living room… my heart stopped.

It was just as cluttered and messy as the day we first saw it a month ago.

They’ve got two weeks to get out and they haven’t packed a thing? Geez! Chris and I had a month to pack our 650 Sq. Ft. apartment and it was a struggle!

And that’s when it all went down…

‘Hey I wanted to ask you guys something. Are you in a bind where you are at or do you have some leeway?’ the homeowner asked.

Chris smiled and said, ‘No, we aren’t in a bind. We’re living with her parents. Why?’

‘Well, we need a few more days or so and were wondering if that would be a problem.’

‘Sure, shouldn’t be a problem at all!’ Chris said enthusiastically.

I mentally kicked him hard in the ankle. Man I wish I was telekinetic!

Just what I want. Renters.

She continued, ‘We looked to rent a place for a month or two until I get my job straightened out (mentally I was thinking… code words for ‘unemployed’) but they want us to sign a six month lease. Of course we won’t tell them we’ll only be there a month or two’

Yeah. And I’m sure you are being so truthful with us now about the whole ‘few days or so’ bit. Just how LONG is ‘so’?

After I had a short but to the point ‘conversation’ (think, code word for ‘ripping him a new one’) with Christopher after we escaped to the car, he quickly called our Realtor and told him we needed the house on the 10th… no later.

Now the homeowners are off to Vegas for the week. With less than two weeks to get out. Yes. I can tell they are really planning on leaving.

Bloody shortsales!! (Sorry, I’m listening to a 14 hour book on CD and the lady has a British accent. I find myself saying, ‘Chap’, ‘flick’, ‘flat’, ‘bloody’, and ‘boot’ far more than necessary.)

I am envious of Nicole who got to buy a house from a dead person. Her biggest hassle was removing a corpse.

I’m tellin’ ya – she had a walk in the park! The lady was old, small, and partially decomposing! All she needed was a hefty bag and a swiffer sweeper!

I will be there. On the 10th. Ready to raise hell.

Bleh…

It’s time for a housing update.

I’m not a happy girl.

We have not heard from the bank that owns the foreclosed home we put an offer on as of yet. It would appear as if they are drawing this out as long as possible so they can get the best offer. I can’t say I blame them… I just don’t personally feel they are making the best decision because everyone knows the best decision is ME!!

So I’m doing what I do best… retaliation! I’m throwing US Bank the bird and moving on. Take that!!

Umm, but US Bank, darling, if you are reading this, please get back to us soon because if you do, I promise I’ll be a good girl and buy the house.

I passed through a neighborhood last night that was La Mesa's equivalent to Mt. Helix. Some million dollar homes and some seriously crappy homes all scrunched up together. The better the view, the nicer the house. I drove around to find the house I saw on the internet and immediately knew which one it was before I spotted the bright Realtor sign. Ugliest one on the street? Yep, in our price range! I pulled up and spotted two matching brown 1988ish Ford Tempo’s in the drive. Directly across the street, parked in front of what can only be described as a mansion, were twin silver Mercedes. Oh sorry, I don’t think Mercedes makes the color ‘silver’, it’s probably ‘Titanium’, ‘Platinum’, or ‘Guetenshlagger’ which translates to “sucks to be poor but we wouldn’t know” in German.

All I could think was, my ‘Galaxy Gray Mica’ Mazda 3 would love to make friends with those Mercedes.

After my ‘lust fest’ with the neighborhood, I drove over to Vernski’s house. I used to work with him at my last job but despite us no longer being co-workers, he still has me house-sit whenever he goes on vacation. I guess some people find boring, non-partying, non-druggie people to be attractive house sitters – that and he knows I’m beyond afraid of hurting his brilliant white house so I generally quarantine myself to the kitchen.

Vernski went through the usual home care instructions and asked how the house hunting was going. I told him about our loan problems because of Chris’ damaged credit (thanks to those who did it to him!!) and how we had to put everything in my name causing our interest rate to go up. That’s when he suggested that we find a private investor who understood our situation. Yeah, like I’m friends with people who can drop a couple hundred grand… wait… Verski has a couple hundred grand. I almost asked him to be our slum lord but if anyone is going to be the lord of my slum, it’ll be me… but if he were to suddenly feel generous, I wouldn’t complain.

When will this be over!?!?!

I’m on my sixth cup of coffee… and I hate coffee…

Long one… ignore unless infinitely bored.

OK, so I’m not drinking coffee. I’m drinking ‘All Natural’ Zip Fizz. Containing 41,667% of your daily allowance of B12, it’s about as ‘natural’ as a face lift or an artificial leg.

It’s supposed to be mixed with 20 ounces of water. I mix it with two ounces and take it like a shot. I can imagine this is what Listerine tastes like if I were to drink it.

It doesn’t energize me… it simply brings me to ‘functional’. The stuff barely counteracts last night’s sleeping pills.

Oh, did I forget to mention those? I haven’t slept in 4 days. I wake up thinking, ‘Should I re-do the budget?’, ‘Did I call GMAC?’, ‘Did we offer too much?’, ‘Did we offer too little?’, and most important, ‘When is Sanjaya going to be booted from American Idol because really, I’m losing faith in the American public’.

I took three pills last night and snuggled in bed looking for a deep slumber. 1 AM, 2AM, and 3AM all came and went as I fretted sleeplessly. The pills eventually kicked in… shortly after my alarm clock chimed. The clock started to laugh at me so I smashed it with my boot. Perhaps it was a bit harsh but I swear on everything holy it was saying ‘Neener Neener Neener!! Ha Ha you have to get up!!’ instead of ‘Beep Beep Beep’ like it was supposed to.

I’m in a walking sleep state. The Zip Fizz keeps my tongue from sticking to the side of my mouth. I sound slightly less like a severe stroke victim but slightly more like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.

The past couple of days have been an insane roller coaster ride.

Chris has been handling it well. He stays just out of arms reach so he doesn’t get hurt and if I ‘happen’ to throw something he can duck. I haven’t thrown anything… that hit him anyway. Darn those reflexes huh?

Yesterday AOL had a poll with the question, ‘Who will you vote for in the next presidential election?’ with the choices, ‘Republicans’, ‘Democrats’ and the one I triple Rainman clicked on, ‘Don’t know, Don’t care’.

Something is wrong with this picture people, something is s-s-s-s-seriously wrong.

It would take too long to write what’s happening but the short of it is - we still don’t have any answers.

Sing with me now, ‘Does that make me craaaaaazy? Does that make me craaaaazy?’

I’ve been biting my nails for 3 hours now…

This weekend we looked at houses again. Our first stop was a house at the end of a cul-de-sac. It’s on nearly a half an acre and the house itself is 1,400 sq. ft. The house is in desperate need of a tidy housekeeper. There was…fecal matter… in the toilet and food in the sink. The floors didn’t need cleaning as much as they needed replacement. The living and dining rooms are covered floor to ceiling in faux wood paneling. Don’t be jealous, it’s super hot. There was a pool… somewhere buried under the waist high weeds. The dark shadows at the bottom made me wonder if somehow, the previous owners dropped a body (or two) in there. The house comes with a duck. He was swimming happily in the swamp – I mean – pool. The exterior was recently re-stuccoed… by a fifth grader… and not one of the smart ones from the TV show. We’d probably have to have it re-done.

The only thing younger than 10 years old at this house is a bent up Wal-Mart gazebo in the backyard – and it probably doesn’t come with the house.

I’m not going to lie…

It wasn’t my first choice for the home I’ll live in for at least the next 10 years -

But Chris practically screamed with excitement at the thought of a ‘fixer upper’.

There was another couple looking at the home with us. As we left, the gentleman said, ‘That house was great! Nothing a nuclear disaster couldn’t fix!’

Why didn’t I marry that guy?

We looked at 7 houses but you can still probably guess which one we put an offer on.

I guess I should buy some duck food.

Any name suggestions?

'Ducky'?





If we get the house…

No one is allowed to come over until the inside is painted and cleaned. Oh and the pool can no longer look like a vat of leprechaun puke.