Married...without children

Because today is so crappy…

2008-03-06T12:48:00.000-08:00

It has just been one of those days so instead of angst filled writing (which I absolutely despise), I’ve decided to share a few more photos from this weekend.

Before we took the top photo, the Seaworld staff member had accused Mike and I of fighting. What she didn’t understand is that when we, for example, say the following:

'Oh my gosh, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?'

'Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.'

'Do you love 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to you?'

And

'Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?'...

We actually mean, ‘I love you’

I think there was a manatee behind my head in the bottom photo. As if my day wasn’t bad enough, now I have to come to the realization that my head is so big it blocked out the animal also known as the ‘Sea Cow’.

I’m going to go cry now.

Hello? HSN?...

2008-03-05T12:58:00.000-08:00

For the last few months, I’ve been attempting to eat somewhat healthy. I figure, as I’m inching toward 30, I’d better start preparing this aging body by caring – at least a little – for it. That, and eventually, I’d like to have children and I’d rather they not pop out with an addiction to the convenience of 7-11 processed foods and beverages.

* Though I do wonder, if I polished off a Razzmatazz Lime Slurpee while in labor, would I have a kid with a green umbilical cord? Because that’d be cool and it’s worth trying. *

Poor Taco Bell has suffered a considerable slump in sales since I backed off those cheddar potatoes.

Anyway…

Things have been going great, except for this silly culinary program I’m in. Recently, we made buttermilk cheddar cheese and chive biscuits accompanied by bacon gravy (as if the buttermilk or the cheddar part of the biscuit wasn’t bad enough, we opted for an ultra flaky texture only created by mass amounts of butter) and we finished the class with a citrus chiffon cake layered and topped with sugared whipping cream. Last night we made pizzas – loaded with toppings of course.

Just thinking about the fat content of those recipes makes my butt bigger.

Unfortunately I’m left with 2 options to keep this figure looking good:

1) Eat less of this fantastic food I’m learning to make

or

2) Work out more

* And by ‘more’ I mean more than the 14 steps I take from the house to my car that I currently consider ‘working out’.

As I sit here nibbling on the most amazing left over pizza and a warm buttered roll, I can’t help but add option C…

3.) Purchase industrial strength body slimmers from the Home Shopping Network.

No worries. I have them on speed dial.

Wordless Monday?!?!?

2008-03-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

I've been really busy lately and haven't had time to update. Today is no exception. Sooo...

Here are pictures of my weekend.

Friday I spent time out on the jobsites which was actually pretty fun...

Don't be jealous. Hard hat hair is so cute.

And Chris was working Saturday so I went to Seaworld with some uber cool people...

And saying, 'Casey, you have a big trunk!' may lead to Beth saying, 'I bet I can fit!'

Photo facts...

2008-02-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve been tagged by Ashmystir to post 5 facts about myself to be illustrated by photos. Thanks for the tag!

Eek. The trouble was deciding which facts would be the least embarrassing.

1.) I am a card carrying member of the geek club. Sadly, yes, that is one of the less embarrassing facts.

I was probably the only person crying at my college graduation because I was done with school rather than the fact I was scared of the ‘real’ world.

And, I ‘read’ books on CD.

A lot.

But what else am I going to do while: cleaning, feeding the dogs, cooking, walking, shopping at Target…?

So. I took a picture of my rented library books for this week…

(P.S. Oprah, your book club sucks. I’ve never read a more depressing collection of literature in my life. If I feel like becoming suicidal, I’ll check into your recommendations)

2.) I’m frugal. Hubby darling likes to call me… cheap.

Whatever.

Our heater doesn’t kick on until the temp hits 53.

I’m just hoping leg warmers will come back into style when we have kids. Then maybe I could dip it down to 48.

3.) I LOVE to travel. OK, so most of my traveling is to and from Hilberto’s Mexican Food Restaurant but I like to travel further on occasion.

4.) Most of my friends are blonde. I didn’t realize this until I was flipping through my pictures. BUT, I do live in California and rumor has it... we're all mostly blonde.

Let’s overlook the fact that two of my friends are by force – I mean – by obligation. One by marriage and the other because she’s dating my brother. I think the others stick around out of morbid curiosity. Never the less, they are a great group of girls and I love them.

5.) I have a totally awesome family. Sure sometimes I walk around with them pretending to be the person employed for the crazy home they hail from and I’m just taking them for some exercise but there are times when I almost want to claim I’m related to them. Few. But some times.

And to pass this on, I am tagging Lizard Breath at Cherishing the Little Hands because she’s got nothing better to do with her time. 3 toddlers with a baby almost here? She’s probably watching Oprah right now. I'm tagging Colegate of One Mom’s Dreams because I’m sure she actually is watching Oprah. Tallon told me she was. I’m tagging Cousin Lisa of Life the Great Adventure because I don’t see enough of her. I’m tagging Cousin Megan from I am the Turtle because she just had a kidlet and I haven’t seen it. And last, I'm tagging my new sister in law, Lindsey, who doesn’t have a BLOG but needs one. How else are we supposed to talk about her behind her back unless she gives us some good gossip?

The rules for this meme are as follows:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them).
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment at their blogs.

Happy Birthday Paula!

2008-02-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

Ready to head to Ireland again?!?!?!

To my favorite foreign travel buddy:

I know it will be difficult to have a good birthday since I'm not there, but try your best.

*wink*

Happy Birthday Rev!

2008-02-25T20:59:00.000-08:00

Trevor,

Hope you have an awesome birthday! Remember, out of all the aunties, you love me most ... right?!?!?

Love you!

What a weekend…

2008-02-25T13:05:00.001-08:00

Chris and John surprised Lindsey and I with a trip to Temecula to go wine tasting. We took a half day at work on Friday and enjoyed a rare traffic-free trip up North. We spent Friday and Saturday enjoying the scenery and the beautiful wineries.

Our hotel room:

Chris looking at the floor above trying to figure out who was stomping. John was the guilty party.

Cocktail hour at the hotel:

When they said, 'All you can eat', John-E took them seriously...

Keyways...

John and his sippy cup...

South Coast...

Dude, can you hand me my sunglasses? Or not...

Saturday night, we rushed up to mom and dad’s to visit with James, Stef, and the girls who had flown down from Sacramento. It was good to see all of them, we don’t see quite enough of their beautiful faces.

Sunday, Chris’ family came over for dinner. Mike, Stacy, Steven, Jeremy, Josh, Tim, and Heather all came by for a couple hours to play video games on the new TV and visit. Chris made his smoked chicken while I made focaccia bread and chocolate chip cookies. I accidentally over kneaded the bread and made it a little too solid but hey, at least no one could doubt it was home-made!

Flashback Friday…

2008-02-22T07:40:00.000-08:00

As I was shaving this morning I couldn’t help but smile and remember the very first time my legs were shaved…

Growing up, our family naturally split into clicks. Paula and James were in their own world, Lizzy and Cole were best friends, and John, Mike, and I were attached at the hip.

So it should come as no surprise that I wasn’t the most ‘feminine’ of the girls. John, Mike, and I were the reason mom had to enact the ‘shower at least once per week’ rule.

When I hit 13, Cole would constantly tell me that I needed to shave my legs. I was completely aware of the hour and a half it took her and Liz to get ready and I wanted NOOOOO part of that business.

Cole had started shaving at about the age of 9 declaring to mom, ‘I fell in the shower and the razor accidentally shaved my legs.’ She was a die hard fan of hairlessness.

Months went by while Cole and I continued to debate the issue.

Cole was a rather plump teen and would frequently use her weight to intimidate the rest of us.

And by intimidate, I mean… sit on us (which is probably why Liz and I have permanent serious cases of claustrophobia). She’d tell you to do something and if you didn’t, she would sit on you until you caved (literally and figuratively).

One summer afternoon, I walked into the bedroom Cole, Liz, and I shared wearing a tiny pair of purple shorts. Cole angrily glared at me while I walked by her with my defiantly unshaven legs. She calmly walked out and came back in 3 minutes later with a can of shaving cream, a razor, and a very intimidated Lizzy at her side.

She quickly cornered me, shoved me to the ground, and sat on me while screaming to Lizzy, ‘Spray her down with shaving cream and go! Go! Go!!!’

I tried to fight back but quickly realized that fighting back resulted in nicks from the razor.

10 long minutes later, my legs were cleanly shaved. I told Nicole I hated her and went into the bathroom to rinse off. As I put my legs under the cool water, I rubbed my hands on them to wash off the patches of blood mixed with shaving cream and noticed… they felt really… nice.

I dried them off and stared at them in the mirror while thinking, ‘Holy cow! I have cool looking legs!’

I never admitted to Cole that I actually liked the result but I continued to shave under the argument that I didn’t like ‘itchy, spiky’ legs.

I’m not sure when I would have started shaving. Probably when I began to think boys were cute when I was like… 20.

So, thank you Cole for sitting on me – that time and ONLY that time. I like my legs.

Silly Chris…

2008-02-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

I got home from work tonight and noticed Chris sitting on the couch with a huge grin just staring at his TV. Near the front door was a sealed box from our cable service provider… the box containing our high definition cable box.

‘Hon, you’ve been home for an hour and you haven’t pried open this box yet?!?!?’ I asked while leaning down to pick up the package.

I flipped it over and noticed he had already tore it open, installed the HD box above the TV, put the old cable box in the package and sealed it to mail it to our cable company.

He just nodded his head in my general direction. ‘Babe, I already took care of…’ then he cut himself off, transfixed by the HD NFL network which is now showing crystal clear re-runs.

This. Is my new life.

It was nice knowing him.

Ten minutes before his class was to start, he tore himself away running out the door hoping to make it in time.

I tidied up the house, did the dishes, and started to open the mail HE brought in. In all his efforts to watch his new TV in High Def, he missed this very important letter:

Dear Christopher:

Congratulations! You have been admitted to San Diego State University for the Fall 2008 semester. Each year, our selection requirements become increasingly rigorous, and you should take pride in the fact that you are among our highly qualified admitted students…

There were a record number of applicants this year (somewhere in the neighborhood of 65,000) and he didn’t think he would make it.

But he’s in class tonight totally unaware that he made it…

So I’m celebrating by myself.

Cheers!

We’ll take that one…

2008-02-19T07:57:00.000-08:00

For the last 3+ years, Chris has worked odd jobs on the weekends. We use this money to vacation, pay bills, pay dental bills… you get it.

He has never asked to keep any of the money for himself, he simply hands over the checks for me to deposit into our account.

This weekend, he worked Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. He had already spent Monday through Thursday up late into the wee hours of the morning working on homework and rather than kick back, he went out to earn us some extra money.

The guilt was overwhelming.

So while he was out ‘working hard for the money’, I looked into making his fantasy into a reality…

Getting a big screen plasma HD TV.

I did a little research and made some decisions.

Last night he got home from work completely exhausted. I mentioned my idea and it took about 8 seconds for him to get into his truck and start yelling for me to hurry up.

At our destination, I pulled out my 4 pages of 10 point font research and started saying, ‘OK, this one received an 8.3 rating and this one received a 7. BUT, this one received a high customer satisfaction rating which I trust a little more because it’s normal people looking at it, not super judgmental computer geeks. And according to the average reviewer, at a distance of 6 feet, the optimal resolution is…’

Chris started laughing, grabbed my face, and kissed me.

Hmm. Two things. 1-He’s excited to get a TV. 2-He could care less about my research.

I gave in, pointed, and said, ‘In short, if you like this one, buy it.’

He loaded it onto the cart and started walking through the store. Every guy in the place was looking at him and smiling in complete envy.

I was tempted to ask him if he wanted to do a victory lap around the store but decided against it because… he probably would have.

So now I have a tiny living room with a ridiculous looking 50 inch plasma HDTV and a husband who hasn’t stopped smiling since yesterday.

Thank you honey for being the selfless man you are. You make life a joy.

Out with the old... in with the new...

Sometimes… I wish my mom wasn’t there…

2008-02-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

When I got started in the culinary arts program and mom joined with me, I was thinking, ‘Yeah, this will be fun. We’ll be able to hang out and learn new things together.’

But I’ve learned that having dear ol’ mom there isn’t so great sometimes.

Going to class with mom is like going to class with Jesus.

At the end of our lab session, we have to sign out. On Tuesday, the crowd surrounding the sign out sheet was thick. I was next in line but a guy came out of nowhere and attempted to take the sheet from my hands. Fortunately, one of my lab partners grabbed it back and gave it to me. I signed the sheet and the sign out stealing guy expectantly jabbed his hand in front of me and grunted for my pen. No ‘Please may I use your pen?’, or even a ‘Do you mind?’, nothing. Just a belittling grunt, like I don’t even deserve to be spoken to like a real human being. I stopped and stared at him with complete indignation then clicked my pen shut and said, ‘Actually, it’s my pen and I’m leaving. Use your own!’ with all the attitude of Kanye West at the Grammy’s.

Mom just looked at me and nodded her head in shame.

Sure my tone wasn’t exactly friendly but I followed it with a fake smile. That has to count for something!

Mom! He was a jerk!

I swear I heard her moral police say, ‘Turn the other cheek’ and ‘Do unto others’.

Then…

The teacher was in the middle of explaining kitchen safety and said, ‘In case of fire or if you get burning liquids spilled on you, these chef jackets are meant to be ripped right off’ then proceeds to demonstrate by tearing his jacket off, exposing a tight t-shirt clinging to his obviously well toned body.

Drooling in class? Bad idea?

All the girls blush and giggle, meanwhile, mom leans over and whispers, ‘I didn’t know that. What great jackets.’

Uh. Yeah mom. The jackets are great.

So is the chef’s chest.

But I can’t say that. I’m forced to stare at my notebook and say, ‘Jackets. Yeah. Great. Whatever.’

Paula, you should really be in this class.

Sure, he sets off my gaydar but let’s see… he rides a motorcycle, he’s a super great chef, he works out, and…he’s the only teacher I’ve ever had that makes me want to pray for a grease fire.

Happy Anniversary...

2008-02-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

... to James and Stef!

Hope it was a good one!!

If you missed it...

2008-02-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

Go check out Lizzie's BLOG. Apparently naming kids is a difficult thing but I'm so glad we have the wisdom of our Ozark family members.

http://www.cherishingthelittlehands.blogspot.com/

Flashback Friday…

2008-02-15T07:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve decided to flashback to some very dark years in my life. Dark years our family rarely speaks about.

But I can’t stay quiet forever.

I need to break the silence.

I’m talking about…….

Mexico.

Mom and dad never had a lot of extra money lying around. Perhaps that’s because anyone with 7 kids is bound to be broke for life. But somehow, we always had the things we needed and a few extra things we wanted.

Life was good.

Well. Until about 1993 when mom and dad traded hardware supplies with a world renowned orthodontist for braces for 5 of us kids.

The guy was an orthodontic genius who frequently traveled the world training others. Though American, he practiced dentistry on the other side of the border.

Those were the 2 ½ longest… darkest… years of my life. Once a month, we crossed the Mexican border and forever it will haunt us…

I’ve tried to block it out but the occasional nightmare filled with children screaming ‘Chiclets, Chiclets’ while chasing me down the dirty streets of Tijuana wake me and flood my tortured mind with memories.

Our car insurance stopped at the American border so we’d park on the US side and walk across to Tijuana. The big, metal, gates that only spin one way somehow promise that once you leave the United States… you’ll never get back.

Those same gates almost claimed John’s life (This said with the dramatics of a Mexican Soap Opera).

We were walking through the massive metal gates and into Mexico when we heard a long ‘BONG!’ We looked back to see John’s head lodged between the bars on the gate. His flailing body was in Mexico with his screaming head stuck in California.

Once we stopped laughing *cough* I mean, once we ‘assessed the situation’, we recruited some friendly border crossers to hold the gate while we yanked John-E’s head out. He didn’t think it was funny, but the snickering Border Patrol Agents did.

A few months later, John and Mike were required to wear head gear. If you’ve never seen head gear (since most people are ashamed to been seen in public with it) it looks like this:

The orthodontist wouldn’t let John and Mike leave without wearing it so they were forced to go outside… in public… with headgear on. Rather than chalk it up to, ‘These are the embarrassing years in my life and I’m just going to have to deal with it’, they decided to pretend the headgear was a government issued communication device. They would stick their fingers up to the metal protruding from their braced mouths and say, ‘Copy that home base we are on our way’ while busily walking down the streets in Tijuana.

I’m very sure that 13 year old boys with head gear were believable as CIA agents.

Our family group was predominantly female and my two older sisters were gorgeous skinny blonde model types. Unfortunately, this prompted a lot of male gawking and frequent dirty words and gestures. Trying to avoid this, mom would tell us to look at the ground and keep walking – fast.

What she didn’t say was… ‘Watch where you are going’.

That would have been helpful.

As we were walking home one afternoon, I walked full speed into a street sign and knocked myself off my feet.

Sitting on the littered sidewalk, I was suddenly surrounded by tiny children taking advantage of my incapacitated state. ‘Chiclets! Chiclets! Chiclets!’ they yelled. I tried to scream for mom but she took her own advice and kept her eyes down while ‘walking’ about as fast as an Olympic marathon runner.

Thanks.

We survived those years… barely… and we all have beautiful straight teeth but we will forever be haunted our Mexican past (and forever laugh about them over Sunday dinners while mimicking John’s head stuck sideways in the gates – arms flailing).

Thank you Mexico?

And here are some pictures from mom. A fluke storm hit San Diego...

All in favor of global warming say 'Aye'...

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

2008-02-14T08:10:00.000-08:00

Chris decided to surprise me with chocolate covered strawberries this year. They were delivered to my office yesterday morning. Is it a bad thing to eat 6 of them before noon?

Have a good one!

Update:

Thanks to dad for the flowers and the strawberries. Sometimes being the bosses daughter is pretty cool. A girl can NEVER have too many strawberries!!

You are soooooo not funny...

2008-02-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

We met with our tax guy on Friday. We had to pay $2,600 last year in addition to what we had already paid during the year so I was fearful of what this year held for us.

After inputting our information, our tax guy looked at Chris and I and asked if we thought we were going to have to pay or if we were going to get money back. Chris threw out a highball number guessing a refund while I guessed we were going to have to pay $1,000.

‘Let’s make a deal’ he said while leaning over his desk. ‘You can make one of two choices here. A.) You pay me my $200 fee and I’ll file your taxes as usual. Or you can choose B.) If you owe money to the IRS, you don’t pay my fee but if you get a refund more than Chris guessed, every dollar over the random amount he guessed to get refunded back, we split 50/50.’

Chris excitedly responds, ‘B B B B!! We choose B!’ then he looked at me, ‘Come on babe, we won’t even get how much I guessed! We’d get the filing fee for free!’

‘Uuuuh. I guess.’ I responded shakily, secretly just wanting to toss two Benjamin Franklins on the desk and be done with the shenanigans.

The tax guy smiled. Big.

Bad sign.

The office filled with: Click. Click. Click. Ching. Ching. Ching. Click. Click. Click. Ching. Ching. Ching. Tappity Tap Tap. As he typed on his calculator.

‘You guys owe me….

$381.47. Cash, Check, or Charge?’ He said with a smile. ‘You guys REALLY need to change your deductions.’

Silence.

‘Wait. We are going to get $800 MORE than amount he guessed? And, did you seriously just figure out a cruel way to make me depressed about getting a nice tax refund?!?!’ I gasped.

More silence.

‘Ha ha! Gotcha! Suckers! I wouldn’t do that to you but you should have seen the look on your faces!’ The tax guy laughed.

I don’t think he’s funny.

I’ve never been so grateful for a mortgage payment in my life. Those things are such great tax write offs! I consulted with Colegate and she said kids are good write offs too so I’m thinking about popping one out by the end of the year then selling it on e-bay after I get the tax rebate check.

OK, OK, I wouldn't sell the kid on E-bay. Who do you think I am?!??!?!

I’d actually sell it on Amazon, I think they have a lower commission rate.

The rest of the weekend was fantastic. Maybe that’s because I was riding the ‘I don’t have to pay this year’ high.

John-E, Lindsey, Keira, Casey, Beth, Kelly, and I went to SeaWorld on Saturday.

Saturday night the boys went to Supercross while the girls came over to my house to enjoy some ‘interesting’ games and some good wine.

Sunday we relaxed at mom and pops while Chris smoked some chicken. It was great to see Uncle Jack and Shirley there. She is a super cool lady! We didn’t get back home until after midnight (thanks to mom and that stupid addicting show) but all was well.

A little late....

2008-02-11T07:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry dude, I wasn't around a computer this weekend sooooo...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!

Can't wait to see you in a few weeks!

California Dental Massacre…

2008-02-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

Two entries in one day? Silliness I know, but I've got to distract myself from the pain...

I had to go to the dentist again today. She was replacing my temporary crowns with the permanent ones.

I’ve been through this a time or two…

Or five…

So I know the drill. They pop out the temp, pick off the glue, and cement down the permanent crown.

Not. A. Big. Deal.

Except this time. Apparently, my gums were inflamed and she couldn’t put a permanent crown on inflamed gums so the solution was – drill the gums down.

She called in her assistants to prepare the torture chamber – I mean – the dental appliances and started to burn time with small talk. NORMAL people consider small talk: job questions, weather patterns, family life, etc. But nooooo, my dentist starts talking about politics.

She goes on and on and on about Clinton and Obama as she starts to drill. Then, she stops drilling and looks at me seriously. ‘You are going to vote for Obama right?’ she asked.

Yeah. Right. Like I’m going to claim to be anything but a staunch democrat while you’re wielding a deadly weapon.

‘Go Obama!’ I said with a smile and a thumbs up.

I guess that’s why I don’t work for the CIA. I’d sell out the federal government to avoid an unnecessary root canal.

The dentist started in and everywhere around me looked like a scene from Braveheart. She even stopped the drilling and yelled at the assistant, ‘Go get me the…’ she started snapping in the air trying to jog her memory, ‘Get me the medication that stops the bleeding. And hurry please.’

I popped open my eyes and stared at her in complete fear. ‘Um. Excuse me? Was that supposed to make me feel better?’ is what I would have said had she not jammed a handful of gauze in my mouth.

The assistant rushed back in and filled my mouth with the most painful nasty tasting stuff ever. I’ve smelled lawn fertilizers and weed killer products that would taste better. And it burned! I felt like my mouth was on fire!

After what seemed like an eternity, she finished the crowns. She let me go rinse my mouth and…is this blood on my arm?!?! Actual DROPS of blood on my arm!?!?

Wow.

I’m just glad I didn’t tell her I was a Republican.

That could have been lethal.

Oh, and here’s an article for Colegate and Lizard:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23018000/?GT1=10856

You ladies know how I feel about that.

But… but…

2008-02-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

While surfing the net, I stumbled upon a popular television station looking for America’s worst spaces. This summer, they are filming a design competition and are looking for bad bedrooms, kitchens, backyards, etc.

So… I was thinking…

Why not submit mine?!?

I made two submissions: one for our backyard and another for our kitchen.

The questionnaires required photo submissions so I went home to snap my awful, awful backyard and kitchen.

Unfortunately, we’ve had a lot of rain lately and my previously hideous dirt patch backyard has suddenly sprouted a ton of green weeds. Even more unfortunate, in photos, the weeds look like a lush green lawn.

It’s kinda difficult to say you have the worst backyard in America when it looks like this:

Stupid rain.

I should have put and asterisk on the bottom that said: *Objects in photo are uglier than they appear.

Then, I moved to the kitchen thinking, ‘I’ve got this in the bag!’

Come on, my cabinets are spray painted, my countertop has stains, my oven is only big enough for a Cornish game hen…

And then…

It’s not my fault that my Judy Dench kitchen photographs like Cindi Crawford.

* Please note, I did not say Giselle Bundchen because, like Cindy Crawford, the kitchen is a little older but you can still tell it was really pretty in its younger days.

I considered contacting the DMV to ask what kind of cameras they use but then I decided…

The backyard, despite the weed infestation, has a great view of the city. In the summer, it’s easy to overlook the ugliness of the yard to see the beauty of the valley.

My kitchen is actually kinda cute. Sure, the pilot on the stove clicks for 50 years before lighting and the whole time all I think is, ‘PROTECT YOUR FACE IN CASE OF FIRE!’, sure the fork drawer requires two hands to open, and maybe wine spills on the countertop require a triage of bleach but…

We OWN this house. We OWN it. We get to make our own memories here. And one day, after they tattoo my burned eyebrows back on, I’ll look at the stains on the counter and remember the fun times we had putting them there.

And I realized shouldn’t complain.

… but of course, I submitted the photos anyway.

Just in case.

And that’s when the cake turned to shoe rubber…

2008-02-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

We threw an Anti-Super Bowl Party at our house yesterday. We figured, we hate the Patriots and we don’t particularly like the Giants, so let’s boycott the game and throw a party.

Chris spent the morning making 4 different seasoning rubs and mops for the chicken and brisket. He followed it with some amazing homemade BBQ sauce then threw all the meat on the smoker and cooked it for 3 hours until it practically melted in your mouth.

What did I make?

Two types of guacamole: ‘Mild’ and ‘Beg for Mercy’
Rosemary and Olive Oil Focaccia bread
Pound Cake with Sliced Raspberries and Strawberries
Crispy Garlic Potato Wedges
Sangria with Oranges, Green Apples, Strawberries, & Pineapple

Chris and I quickly realized we were a little overzealous in our efforts…

We soon ran out of dishes… and counter space.

When a friend asked for a bowl to make chili cheese dip, I had to pull out a weird crock container for lack of any clean bowl shaped objects.

Everything turned out great – except for the pound cake. The rock solid mass masquerading as my pound cake required a steak knife to penetrate its rubber shell. I wasn’t sure what went wrong in my baking process but I wasn’t about to let anyone see it. I quickly threw it in the trash, covered it with paper plates, and then spent the next two hours starting the following rumors:

a.) Wasn’t the pound cake delicious? Oh you didn’t get a piece? Those silly boys must have chowed down the whole thing before you got to it!

Or

b.) Wasn’t the pound cake delicious? You totally had a piece! I can’t believe you forgot. Maybe you should lay off the Sangria!

I would say the dishes were difficult and a pain but they weren’t bad. Turns out, I had some extra energy. I was kinda excited about a certain team being…

18 and 1.

Dear Tom Brady,

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Rebekah

Flashback Friday...

2008-02-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

Technically I'm only flashing back to last month but I'm going to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse tonight - which has nothing to do with flashback Friday, I just wanted to drop that in somewhere, can you tell I'm excited?!?!?

Anyway...

Grams and Gramps gave mom a set of super adorable snowman cooking ornaments from Williams and Sonoma. I absolutely loved them and decided to write grams and gramps a kind letter about them:

Complaint Department
J and J Assoc.
Somewhere in a city ending in - Ville

December 28, 2007

To Whom It May Concern:

On a recent visit to the house of a client, Mrs. Deborah H, I was made aware of some precious items in her possession that perhaps should not be. Ms. H had four (4) snowpeople from Williams and Sonoma hanging from her Holiday Tree (previously known as the politically incorrect, ‘Christmas Tree’).

It is my understanding that these were gifts from you in recognition of her recent Culinary Arts Cooking Class completion. I would like to inform you of the truth because obviously, she has deceived you. Ms. H would not have passed that class without my constant monitoring. Ms. H did not even have adequate transportation or a parking permit. She forced me to drive for her while constantly belittling me and telling me to, ‘shut up you little brat’. Ms. H does NOT deserve any sort of recognition other than that from a law enforcement officer. Frankly, I find it offensive that Ms. H received these snowpeople while I did not.

I’m not sure what kind of people work for J and J Associates, but I question your moral character. The fact that you consort with this ethically bankrupt woman worries me. On the day in question when I took notice of said snowpeople, I was only near Ms. H to serve her with a restraining order.

It is my request that you immediately take back said snowpeople and give them to me.

In your heart, you know what is right.

Thank you for your time,

Rebekah Atkinson
Parole Officer
San Diego County Jail

Unfortunately... grams and gramps had already ordered a set for me... prior to receiving the letter because they heard how much I loved the ornaments. I got the set in the mail a few days later. Oops. Soooo, I had to write another because I think it's very important to take responsibility for your actions. And I NEVER make excuses.

Complaint Department
J and J Assoc.
Somewhere in a city ending in - Ville

January 10, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

Please accept my deepest apologies for the letter dated December 28, 2007. The Christmas holidays are a busy time here at the jail (all the DUI’s and everything) and I forgot to take my psychiatric medication. Although this is a medical and very personal issue, I feel the need to explain.

I found a copy of the letter to you dated December 28th, 2007 in the trash can. After reviewing the letter, I was shocked and dismayed at what was written. But, I can assure all at Johnson & Johnson, that I did NOT write that letter.

I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and some of those personalities suffer from Schizophrenia – I know, my doctor says it’s weird. My strongest personality is ‘Beatrice’ and she likes to complain… a lot. Although quite kind at times, she thinks everyone is ‘after her’. I’m sure Mrs. H is a very nice person, but for some reason, ‘Beatrice’ was terrified of her. Please disregard the letter and please… don’t sue me or ‘Beatrice’ for slander.

I am heavily medicated at this time and haven’t seen or heard from ‘Beatrice’ in 10 days. You should be safe from another letter.

Please send me a bill for any and all of your necessary psychotherapy. I receive a bulk discount and have very good insurance.

Oh, and ‘Beatrice’ says thanks for the Snow people. She now plans on returning the ones stolen from Mrs. H.

Thank you for your time,

Rebekah Atkinson
Parole Officer
San Diego County Jail

I'm just very glad I have grandparents with a sense of humor... oh and grandparents that are half the country away....

they can't hit me from there.

I feel like a Private Eye!

2008-01-31T12:28:00.000-08:00

There have been some, for lack of a better word, ‘delicate’ issues going on in my life lately and surprisingly enough – one of them required me to check out the San Diego County Courthouse records. I got what I went for… then spent the next 4 hours completely and totally fascinated with the whole idea of ‘Public Records’.

I discovered that:

My dentist has 18 lawsuits of malpractice and personal injury against him.

My ex-boyfriend has a record…

So does his brother…

And so does his brother’s wife…

And so do his parents!

And so do the people we bought our house from.

Oh, and the lady who does my nails has one as well.
(It could be a mistake. There are LOTS of people whose names are spelled with 16 consonants and one vowel. OK fine. It IS her but she cuts cuticles like no one else so I’m NOT CHANGING!! I’ll just watch myself when she has a sharp object)

So what does all this prove?!?!

I sure can pick ‘em!

Oh snap… is that mom and pops I see on the listing too?!?!

Someone’s got some explaining to do….

Proud sis...

2008-01-30T09:12:00.000-08:00

Mike was on the news this morning fighting a fire. You can check out the article below:

http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/15173899/detail.html?dl=headlineclick

He is in the picture on the right of the three firefighters. He's in some of the other images as well. Check him out!

Me a hypochondriac? Nooooo….

2008-01-29T07:48:00.000-08:00

I read an article in the oh so newsworthy magazine of Cosmo about a girl in her young twenties who went through menopause. The magazine described the symptoms in detail and offered support groups to those dealing with this so young in life.

The symptoms:
Hot flashes, insomnia, headaches, body shape changes around the abdomen, water retention, emotional ups and downs, and forgetfulness.

A few days later, I went to the theater with the girls to see 27 Dresses and as soon as we hiked to our seats, I was roasting. I yanked off my sweatshirt and started fanning myself. I looked around at the girls as they sat there peacefully in their thick sweaters and thought…

Oh. My. Gosh.

I have all those symptoms!

I am absolutely roasting in JANUARY, I can’t sleep, I had a nasty headache yesterday, I’m getting pudge in my tummy, I retain water, I’m emotional, and I forget everything!

I’m going through menopause!!

Then I start thinking about how much Chris and I want a kid. Well, I guess we could adopt. American adoptions are kinda out of the question though, it would take too long. I’ve always wanted a baby from Africa. They are very hip these days. I wonder if I should start that process because I heard it takes a while. Should I just go to africanbabies.com or something? Hmm. I wonder if they have those menopause support groups in Santee?

All this, and the previews still hadn’t finished.

By the time I got home, I was worked up to a tizzy. I burst through the front door and yelled to Chris, ‘Honey! I’m going through MENOPAUSE!’

Silence.

His eyes rolled to the sky and I literally heard him think, ‘Lord, why me? Why? She is absolutely nuts.’

He asked why I thought I was while desperately trying to hold back a snicker.

He failed.

I told him about the symptoms and how I had every one of them and he said:

1. You were wearing a sweater in a heated theater.
2. You’ve never slept well.
3. You didn’t drink water and you got a headache.
4. If you think that’s pudge, you’re stupid.
5. You retain water because you eat the equivalent of a salt lick daily.
6. There are therapy groups for the amount of emotional you are.
7. There is a lifetime supply of post-it notes all over this house that prove you have a bad memory.

Oh.

I guess I’m not going through menopause.

Bummer. I was really looking forward to that African baby.

Winning... is so very nice.

2008-01-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

I more than doubled my money in Vegas.

I’m interested to see the reaction of my tax guy when I claim my Vegas winnings.

Heaven forbid I dupe the IRS out of taxing my 10 bucks.

Oh. You thought I won big? Well, to win big, you’ve got to bet big. I would hardly call 4 bucks in the penny slots, ‘betting big’.

As soon as I crossed the 10 dollar mark I cashed out. Thank heavens for those automatic ticket redeeming machines. I’d be too embarrassed to actually cash the ticket for 10 George Washington’s at a window with a real person.

As I started toward my room, I noticed a creepy guy standing by himself waiting for the elevator. He turned around, dirtily looked me up and down, and a disturbing smile spread across his face. I immediately detoured to the closest slot machine and dumped in a dollar of my hard earned winnings.

I lost the dollar in the poker slots but that may be because… I don’t know how to play poker.

Look. I didn’t have a choice of machines ok?!?! It was a girl emergency!

But I don’t count it as a loss anyway. It was a ‘no way in Hades I’m riding in the elevator with the gross man’ fee and I was happy to pay it.

A couple hours later, we were driving down the freeway. Pops was on a business call and I stared out the window at the strip… and noticed…

‘Uh. Is the Monte Carlo on fire?’

Dad glanced and continued his call – completely brushing me off by the way.

Thanks.

‘Pops, those are flames. That is a fire.’

And then pulled out my camera… because that’s how I roll…

…like a tourist.

An hour later we rolled by again...

Here's pops losing 3 bucks...

And me winning 10!

Seriously, we're high rollers. $7 combined.

Happy Birthday Joshua!!

2008-01-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

It's time to convince your mom to come to San Diego again!

Have a good one!

Oooh, THOSE cards… oops.

2008-01-26T11:57:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s been an interesting two days.

Before leaving, dad asked, ‘Do you have cards?’

‘No. But I loaded up my ipod and I rented a movie from itunes so I should be good. I’m not sure how good the movie is going to be but I’d rather watch a boring movie than stare at some of the freaks and geeks at the airport. Besides, I haven’t taken playing cards on a plane since I was 13… oh wait. Business cards?... Of course?’

My dad just stared at me as if he was trying really hard NOT to call me a complete moron.

I always have business cards – What else am I going to drop in those little glass ‘win a free lunch’ bowls at the front of restaurants?

Shoot. Did I just say that? I mean. I only use them for business purposes!

The first meeting went well. The guys were in their mid to late 20’s and fans of the Chargers. How could we not get along? And they were at the same Detroit game Chris and I were at – um hello?!?! That’s like… bonding.

Lunch went well too I guess – since I live for embarrassing moments. We had to make it a quick stop since we were running late. I tried to order an ‘All American Meal’ from McDonalds but the guy behind the register just stared at me blankly. I leaned closer and whispered, ‘It’s a happy meal without the toy and in a regular bag pretty much.’

Still a blank stare.

Brilliant.

‘You want a happy meal?’ He said curiously after staring into the ceiling dumbfounded.

The line was growing so I told him that was fine.

Yeah, fine if you don’t mind sitting among a group of business suited people with a Kid’s Meal connect the dots bag and a giant plush bunny.

Oh well.

My red cheeks still recovering, we walked into our second meeting, not remembering it was going to be with a conference room full of superintendents and some company big wigs.

Superintendent. Definition: The guys who make every subcontractor pee their pants in fear.

Company Big Wigs. Definition: The guys who make every superintendent pee their pants in fear.

Why don’t I have a job where I can just sit and look cute?

I mean, sure, my presentation section was only about 4.5 minutes long but it only takes about 4.5 seconds for me to turn bright red in fear.

But it went well in spite of me.

After the meeting finished, a superintendent walked up to me and said, ‘I have your picture hanging in my work trailer.’

‘My… my… picture?’ I stammered.

‘Yeah, right near our door where we can see it every day.’ He smiled.

‘Um. How terribly… uh… flattering? Where’d you get a picture? I asked.

‘Your co-worker e-mailed it to me.’ He grinned.

Mental note: Kick Katie in the pants immediately upon returning to the office.

There was more but this entry is long enough. I’ll update you later on…

‘Is that the… no…is that…the MONTE CARLO ON FIRE!!! I’ll get my camera.’

&

‘Heck yes, I more than doubled my money’

&

Food, food, food.

Happy Birthday Wes...

2008-01-22T21:26:00.001-08:00

You are the craziest kid I know... but I have to love ya.

That's what aunties do.

And yes Cole, I know the picture is from Christmas 2005...

I can think of worse…

2008-01-22T12:19:00.000-08:00

Our company had some meetings scheduled in Las Vegas for Thursday and Friday. Unfortunately I was chosen to attend.

Riiiight.

Like it’s ever ‘unfortunate’ to be ‘forced’ to work in Vegas.

Even if you never make it through The Strip, the food in that whole city is amazing. And, in case you missed it… I really, really, really, really, really like food.

Well, that and I like playing the nickel slots in the airport until about the 5th time they page my name to ‘PLEASE GET ON THE PLANE!’.

I was to fly up Thursday morning, attend meetings, stay over Thursday night, attend more meetings, and fly home late Friday.

Well, Friday’s meetings were rescheduled. ‘Unfortunately’ it’s cheaper to leave me there than fly me home a day early.

40 bucks on red?

I’m packing a bikini and kicking it poolside with a margarita on the Mandalay Beach.

The weekend…

2008-01-21T12:46:00.000-08:00

It’s been a rough couple of weeks so Chris decided to take me on a date. Anywhere I wanted for dinner and any movie I wanted to see.

Not necessarily a smart decision based on the high volume of over the top chick flicks at the theater.

I wasn’t much in the mood for a crowd so we stopped for a high class dinner at Hilberto’s and went to see 'Juno' (I didn’t want to abuse Chris’ offer, lest he never offer again).

Despite the obvious signs of a potentially bad movie, i.e. an audience full of teenagers and the unhappy faces on guys who looked like they were dragged to the theater, the movie was f-a-n-ta-s-t-i-c.

Chris worked on Saturday and unfortunately I lack the ability to laze around without feeling overcome by guilt so I deep cleaned the house.

I scrubbed the toilets, the floors, the baseboards, the windows, the sills, the shower, the sinks, the mirror, the walls, the light fixtures, the toothbrush holders, the door handles… you get it.

As I pulled a load of laundry out of the dryer and walked back into the house, the smell of bleach assaulted my nostrils and I realized something…

The most comforting smell in the world to me isn’t cinnamon, or vanilla, or fresh laundry, or baked pie… it’s harsh cleaning products.

There is something so refreshing and relaxing about it. It puts a skip in my step. It’s the smell of clean. Germ free clean. But don’t get me started on germs because that’s a whole… well… just don’t get me started. I AM the one who did a semester long project on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and realized… I may have a teeny tiny little problem with it. Whatever.

Someday… a psychologist will make a case study out of me and you'll want my autograph.

I wonder if they make candles that smell like Lysol, Simple Green, or Clorox?

Sunday we mourned two terrible losses. I knew it would come eventually but I thought we had more time together.

The Chargers lost to the Patriots (Does anyone know where I can get a ‘I hate Tom Brady’ bumper sticker?!?!?) and Green Bay lost to… ugh… the Giants.

What a rough day.

I went immediately home and scrubbed the shower with Clorox… again.

Keira has learned to clap... just in time to cheer for our Chargers.

Flashback Friday…

2008-01-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

When John, Mike, and I were 13 and 15, one of my dad’s oh so responsible employees showed us how to build a potato gun.

Because everyone knows the combination of pipe, potatoes, a bottle of WD-40, and a flame tool are landmark in safety and you should share them with teenagers.

We made the biggest potato gun possible and spent our afternoons launching the potatoes into targets… *cough* the pool deck… *cough* the new trees… *cough* the house siding… (sorry ‘bout those dents dad)

On a particularly hot day, John filled the chamber up with Rave hairspray and WD-40. The fumes filled the air as he quickly spun the cap on and pulled out the matches. As soon as he touched the flame to the side, a loud BOOM exploded into our ears. Mike and I looked down to see John on his back, his shoes smoldering and the lawn burst into flames.

He hadn’t spun the cap on tightly and instead of launching the potato, the force rocketed the cap and the flame onto John’s shoed feet.

Responsibly… we laughed hysterically at John.

We laughed so hard, we overlooked the fact that the lawn was still on fire… in the middle of summer. About 60 seconds of laughing at John’s blackened shoes went by before we suddenly became aware that the fire was growing. And then we realized, if mom saw the fire, she’d never let us shoot another potato again.

Mike ran for the hose while John stomped out what he could. It’s not like his shoes could get worse.

Fortunately they got the fire out (hence the reason they are such good firefighters… they started young) but there was still a huge problem…

Now there was a huge black spot of charred lawn directly in front of the screen door that mom surely wouldn’t miss. We couldn’t think of a believable story for the burn spot and we certainly weren’t going to tell the truth sooooo…

We dug out the lawn, tossed it off the back hill so no one would find it, threw on some fresh dirt, then went inside and told mom the dogs had dug a patch of the lawn out and she should be mad at them.

As for John’s shoes? ‘Pssshhh. Mom, that’s a fashion statement. Don’t you know style?!?!’

Why do I believe there is a God? There is NO way I would have survived childhood in the country without Him.

It's days like these that make me wanna cry...

2008-01-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

It's houses like these...

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/rfs/536853241.html

...That make my soul cry.

For those not in Sunny Southern Cali, this is a smokin' deal.

I'm suddenly feeling very, very, VERY upside-down.

Oh well.

But I’m alive!!

2008-01-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

I went to the dentist today to have two crowns replaced. Don’t be jealous OK?

I’m already deathly afraid of anyone who is legally allowed to drill your teeth out (Um, hello? The horror film ‘The Dentist’ was probably based on a true story!) and today’s experience didn’t make my phobia any less present.

You see, at my ghetto dentist, you would close your eyes to prevent any water being splashed in them. At this new high tech place, they give you huge yellow foggy glasses. The giant all plastic blind old people glasses.

Totally Hot, I know.

Then, my dentist is lovely, but I didn’t appreciate her conversation with the assistant.

‘Doesn’t she have beautiful skin?’ she said while pointing at me.

‘I’d kill for her eyelashes. She should be an actress or something.’ replied the assistant.

‘Her shoes are sooooo cute!’ The dentist said, muffled by her mask.

OK, two huge problems:

1 – Please don’t talk about me like I’m at a funeral parlor and you are preparing me for a viewing. I’m alive… and despite these gi-normous glasses that cover most of my face, my ears are still fully functional. Though, if you give me one more shot of Novocain, I’m not sure how much longer they will work – but trust me, I’m willing to take the risk. Load me up.

2 – I’m on to your little game. You are trying to make me feel better by developing a ‘connection’ from compliments. Let me clarify something for you - you could say I was hotter than Claudia Schiffer and I still wouldn’t like you. It’s not personal; it’s your pain inducing drill.

I survived, but barely.

Does anyone know how many Tylenol you can take just before it becomes toxic but way after it takes the pain away?

My weekend?!?!…

2008-01-14T12:47:00.000-08:00

I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

But, I CAN be grateful. Out of all that could have gone wrong – electrical, roofing, etc – the problem was plumbing, which happens to be my man’s specialty. What would have cost the average Joe Blow upwards of several grand in city charges, backhoe charges, and labor charges - only cost us about $180 and a whole lot of arm strength from my fantastic dad and Chris who both put in an entire day of hard labor. Many thanks to those who stopped by to lend a helping hand.

Sure Chris was smiling, he was in the backhoe while my dad was 6 feet down a hole!

Jessie stopped by to help out. Dad was in the hole, you just can't see him.

Chris' family stops by to help put the yard back together.

And that's it. If you don't hear from me for a few days, it's because I'm showering.

Pass the sugar free gum please...

2008-01-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry, but I fail to see the problem...

http://body.aol.com/condition-center/digestive-disorders/news/article/_a/too-much-sugar-free-gum-linked-to-severe/20080111092909990001

Thank heavens I keep a bucket of sugar-free Dentyne Ice by my desk. I better get chewing!!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

2008-01-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to my wonderfully fantastic mother.

Have a good one mom!

Thank you Home Shopping Network...

2008-01-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

OK, so I’ve felt a little awkward walking around the back lawn with a hose while brushing my teeth the last two mornings. A little less awkward than rinsing with Listerine while screaming, ‘AHHH! CRAP!! That water is cold!!’ at 5:15 AM but still awkward.

Sorry mom, I do say ‘Crap’ at 5:15 AM when I’m on a freezing dewy lawn trying to rinse out my mouth with slightly above freezing water. I try to make sure the neighbor kids don’t hear me, heck, I try to make sure no one hears me lest they come outside and see me flossing standing in my pajamas and slippers.

Chris and my conversations have become progressively more ‘interesting’:

Me: Hey sweetie, I’m running to Vons, do you need anything?’

Chris: I’m good thanks. What are you getting at Vons?!?!’

Me: Oh nothing, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.

Chris: Cool. Let me grab my slippers and I’ll go with you.

__________________________________________________________________________

Me: I’ll take a spicy chicken sandwich and a large fry

Counter lady: Anything to drink?

Me: Oh geez no.

Chris: I’ll take the same.

Counter lady: Anything to drink?

Chris: Definitely N-o.

___________________________________________________________________________

Chris: Hey babe, I’m thinking I won’t have to take out the sidewalk or the curb; I can just dig a tunnel!! Ehh? Ehh?

___________________________________________________________________________

Neighbor comes over and quizzically looks at Chris who is digging in a waist deep hole.

Neighbor: What are you doing?!?!?

Chris: Digging a moat. You guys aren't allergic to aligators are you?

__________________________________________________________________

But hey, HSN still brings joy to my day. Check out today's special: http://crafts-sewing.hsn.com/we-r-memory-keepers-crop-a-dile-400-piece-eyelet-setter-and-punch-crafting-tool_p-3113546_xp.aspx?web_id=3113546&ocm=sekw

I think I’m going to order the Crop-A-Dile and Bedazzle the heck out of my clothes.

Maybe I’ll make a shirt that says, ‘No thanks. I don’t need help. I’m just here to use your bathroom.’

Oh, and no, I um... totally don't um... watch the Home Shopping Network. I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I was flipping the channels and the remote control broke while on that channel. Um. Yeah. Totally.

What's next?!?!?

2008-01-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

Last night my dogs ran away. Considering we have busy streets to the South and to the North, I wasn’t holding out that the dogs were still 3 dimensional.

This morning I checked online at the local shelters and found my dogs. I went to the shelter to find a line of only 4 people. ‘Sweet!’ I’m thinking, ‘I’ll be in and out in 10 minutes tops.’ Unfortunately those 4 people were there to adopt/claim/license/relinquish their dogs – all of which required: name, address, driver’s license, mother’s maiden name, license plate number, value of vehicle, name of father’s birth city, anticipated name of first born child (whew! At least I had THAT covered! Optimus Prime!), etc. 40 minutes and three gray hairs later, I get to the front of the line, pull out the tag numbers of my dogs, and smile expectantly.

‘How do you know these dogs are yours?’ The lady asked

‘They are the same color, gender, type of animal, type of breed, found in the same location, found on the same day as my dogs went missing, dogs. I can describe them if you want.’ I smiled.

‘You’re going to have to go out and identify them’ she said.

I go out (in the most uncomfortable shoes known to mankind I might add) and walk to the cage on the furthest reaches of the planet with the ‘Kennel Master’, look at my dogs and say, ‘Yup, those are my dogs’.

I go back inside and walk up to the lady who just sent me outside, who looks at me and says, ‘Mam, you’ll have to sign back in.’ I look behind me at the line, which was now 8 people, and wonder if crying in public is acceptable in this situation. 52 minutes later, I met with another lady who asked if I could prove the dogs were mine. I told her I could describe them perfectly and she said, ‘Did you look at the dogs?’ ‘Well, yes,’ I responded, ‘but that’s only because that other lady said I had to in order to claim the dogs.’

We debated for a good 20 minutes until she caved to contacting my vet, who very quickly identified the dogs. She then pulled out her keyboard and started reading off my list of fines…

Board
Food
Water
Staff
Licensing penalties
Quarantine fees
Unknown vaccination fees
And on and on and on

‘Well, your preliminary fines are $150 but I’m still waiting on some more numbers to compute.’ She said while typing.

‘$150?!?!?!’ I coughed.

‘$150 + for EACH’ she said definitively.

‘How much to give them to you? I don’t like dogs anymore’ I said seriously.

‘Look, if you license/vaccinate/microchip/neuter through us, we’ll make all these fines go away. I can do all that for 80 bucks.’ she said, sounding like a member of the mafia.

I pick up my dogs – minus their man parts – tomorrow.

THEN, I had to go to the dentist for an appointment I scheduled months ago. I switched dentists because I felt the other one was doing a poor job.

Judging by the ‘oh my’s’ and the ‘why did they do that’s’ said by the new dentist - I was right.

Those two crowns I got mere months ago and spent $1,500 on are actually causing damage and have to be taken out and replaced. The new filling? Has to be drilled out and crowned.

My bill?

I’m going to type this out so you feel my pain…

Three THOUSAND, six HUNDRED, thirty five dollars.

I just parked the value of a Ford Focus in my mouth.

I sat on the couch to watch the entire Season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy while eating a therapeutic gallon of Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream from Rite Aid when Chris leaned in and said, ‘Hey hon, don’t use any of the bathrooms, sinks, toilets,… just don’t use any water at all. The plumbing pipes are messed up and I won’t be able to fix it tonight. You can’t take a shower tomorrow and you’ll have to wash your face with the hose. Sorry babe.’

‘That’s fine’ I said with an eerie smile, ‘I’ll just use the bathroom at Rite Aid when I go back to get the second - and necessary - therapeutic gallon of Chocolate Malted Crunch.’

If you notice a little more pudge on my rump… just don’t say anything - its therapy.

Danged Technology…

2008-01-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

I’m not into the whole idea of ever changing technology. It’s not that I don’t or can’t understand it, I just don’t like it. It seems like when I finally get comfortable with something, they change it and I have to relearn everything.

When it comes to cell phones, I’m probably worse. My cell phone was just shy of 3 years old and the only reason I finally caved to a new one was because my old one broke beyond repair.

I feel like I’m the only 27 year old who watches those commercials featuring the cell phones designed for senior citizens (I.E. the Jitterbug with the huge number buttons, the big green ‘send’ button, the big red ‘end/power button’, and NO camera) and exclaim, ‘I want one of those!’.

I went to the cell phone store and spent the required 14 hours there. I’m pretty sure you could take a Greyhound bus across country, stop for a few days in Graceland, and return, all before I even got to the front of the line.

They suggested several phone options, pointing out the extras on each such as MP3 players, camera phones, and video capabilities. The problem is, I’m not one of those people who pull out their cell phone, watch a u-tube video of flatulent monkeys, while listening to Mariah Carey on the MP3 player, while taking a picture of my friends, while talking to my mother on speaker phone, while texting my brother.

Heck, I didn’t even send my very first text message until a few months ago. It was just easier to throw the phone at my brothers and say, “Dude, can you reply to this?”

Then, when I finally figured out this whole stupid texting thing, I couldn’t speak the language… and trust me… it’s a language. I’m probably the only person who actually writes, ‘I’ll see you later’ with the apostrophe or for that matter, more than 5 letters. When a friend sent a message saying, ‘C U L8R’, I had to Google it to figure out what the heck she meant.

Forget the Spanish to English dictionaries, I’m going to compile a Texting to English dictionary and make millions off people like me.

I ended up with one of those RAZR phones – what, is using an ‘E’ so last year? Oh wait. It’s probably more texting language that I don’t get. Anyway, I tossed it into my purse and left forgetting, of course, that they have the phones set on default rings and volumes. I’m in the back corner of Target enjoying the silence when a sound straight from the ‘Gentleman’s Club - Pure Platinum’ screeches from my purse at decibels audible from space.

Because that’s not embarrassing.

Then, because everyone in the world knows one of the most annoying sounds is someone changing their ring tone, I had to leave the ‘stripper’ tunes on my phone until I could get home.

Thank you Colegate for calling three times.

I finally did get home and for the very first time, assigned custom ring tones.

For you Cole, Hells Bells by AC/DC.

The only problem is, sometimes, I’d rather hear Hells Bells than Colegate or Kashmir by Led Zeppelin than Chris so if I don’t answer your call….

It’s because I’m dancing.

New Years Picts...

2008-01-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

We had a fabulous New Years party at our house. Here are a few picts...

Year in review…

2007-12-31T07:53:00.000-08:00

It’s time for my yearly wrap up – my ‘Best of 2007’ as it were.

We spent the first 5 months of 2007 looking for a house. Yup. 5 months. Some people like to say I’m indecisive. I’m still on the fence about that.

In May, we finally met little miss Keira and closed on our house the same day. Thank you Keira for making that day beyond memorable. Despite what your daddy says, you were a really cute baby… your crooked nose simply added ‘character’ to your face.

In June we took a ‘if I have to sign ONE more mortgage paper I’ll kill you’ break and went to Palm Springs with our church. It was a great time to strengthen our marriage while getting a tan at the same time. Oh. Wait. I don’t tan.

In July, John-E graduated paramedic school. Paramedic school and a new baby in the same semester. Dude, you amaze me.

October was a crazy month! I went to Mexico (wow. Me. Mexico. Who’d a thought?!?) AND, stood by John-E and Lindsey’s side as they got married. I looked hot in my bridesmaids dress. Lindsey looked alright I guess. ; ) OK fine. She looked absolutely gorgeous!

Then, to top things off, Lizard shared the news that baby 4 was on the way! Come on fatty 122. Put on some weight please! You, Colegate, Stef, and Lindsey are all good moms have fantastic kids. You’re making the world a better place.

In November, Chris and I went to Napa, San Fran, and the Coast. I absolutely love spending time with him – even though I have to occasionally close my eyes when he parks the car.

In December, as always, I ran around like crazy searching for the ‘perfect gifts’, often misfiring and getting something totally ridiculous. Unfortunately, the best day of the year, December 24th, passed all too quickly.

I’ve learned a few things this year:

1. Buying a house will ensure at least 5 more years of marriage. Divorce would equal buying or selling a house and the experience is so awful, no new homeowner would want to go through it again.

2. There’s a saying, ‘Things you buy yourself, you take better care of.’ Those people have obviously never seen our yard.

3. If John can have kids and survive, maybe I can too.

4. Never book a hotel online.
… wait. I take that back. That was kinda fun.

5. I won't buy candy directly related to holidays. In October, it's embarassing to give your nephews green St. Patty's day candy. I'd rather they NOT know how old it is.

6. I’ve had more than my fair share of laughter and joy – most from my family who loves me. Regardless of the numbers on my bank statement or drama of life, my family stays the same and that is worth smiling about.

Another wonderful Christmas moves swiftly behind us…

2007-12-26T12:55:00.000-08:00

First, for all those family members who could not make it to our yearly celebration of Christmas, you were sorely missed. Lizard, Paul-The, Rand Man, Bames, Stef, Kidlets, Grams, Gramps, you know who you are.

We started off our day in Julian where we ate a fantastic breakfast. The restaurant owner sat quietly at another table while we chatted and laughed. As soon as our meal was finished, she thanked us for being ‘angels’ and a great ‘big group’ of people.

I didn’t see any alcohol around her but if she called us ‘angels’… I was wondering…

Mom was beaming... of course.

Here’s some photos of us wandering Julian…

Guns? Of course we bought the boys dart guns.

We made our way to the bowling alley where, even after my two semesters of college bowling, I still managed to get the second lowest score. Good to know I learned something in college – or not.

Mom and pops bought some very expensive prizes (at the 99 cent store) and awarded stand-out teams and stand-out players. I won something… but that’s only because mom felt bad and thought it was only fair if everyone won a prize.

Aaron was running late so we made him play the whole game as Lilian. He didn't think it was funny but we did.

Even Keira got into it.

Mom's 'victory dance' after she picked up a spare.

John won a high score prize... a Superman chest plate built for a 6 year old.

But that didn't stop him from wearing the cape too.

We headed over to Horton Plaza for some last minute shopping then to dinner at the Panda Inn where we ate in our super cool 'don't you wish you were us' private room – a yearly tradition for over 10 years now.

John-E was tired and didn't feel like putting the onesy UNDER the pants.

He didn't feel like finding a trash can for the diaper either. Pop's door handle worked just fine.

We watched National Treasure 2 then headed home for some much needed rest.

Sorry, I'm not feeling very creative in my event telling, I haven't been eating all that much and I think I'm lacking some serious protien in my brain. On the good side, I'm under 120 pounds which is never a bad thing. ; )

Um. But it’s so not my fault…

2007-12-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the recent disappearance but I have a song for you:

On the first day of Christmas my nephews gave to me,
A fever over one hundred and threeeeee.

On the second day of Christmas my nephews gave to me,
A food eating inabilityyyyyyyy.

Yeah. That’s the end of the song. I ran out of energy… and the ability to rhyme or whatever.

But maybe the whole, ‘no food’ thing isn’t so bad. It’s a great excuse to eat like a cow on Christmas – if I can eat by Christmas.

Whelp. I’m going back to bed. Have a lovely holiday!

AND... Happy belated birthday to Lizard. Once again, I didn't forget what day your birthday was, I forgot what day of the week it was! I swear!!

And do us all a favor on this pregnancy... pig out a little.

San Diego SUPER Chargers!!

2007-12-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

San Diego Super Chargers... San Diego Super Chaaaaaargers... CHARGE!

In celebration of finishing school (whew!), Chris and I went to see the San Diego Super Chargers play the Detroit Kitty Cats, I mean, the Detroit Lions. We were a mere 12 rows or so from the field... sweet!

Um. Unfortunately, the game got a little boring toward the end. The score should never go over 50!

Oh, the grades came back and I aced both classes. Maybe this whole 'cooking' thing isn't so bad.

ANNNNND...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN-E AND MIKE!!

Congrats Bro...

2007-12-17T12:13:00.000-08:00

A Fireman's Prayer
When I am called to duty, God,
Whenever flames may rage;
Give me strength to save a life,
Whatever be its age.
Help me embrace a little child
Before it is too late
Or save an older person
From the horror of that fate.
Enable me to be alert
And hear the weakest shout,
And quickly and efficiently
To put the fire out.
I want to fill my calling
And to give the best in me
To guard my every neighbor
And protect his property.
And if according to Your will,
I have to lose my life,
Please bless with Your protecting hand,
My children and my wife.
- Author Unknown

Congrats to Johnny Boy for passing academy. How awesome is that?!?! Here are some photo's from a super proud sis. And yeah, I photoshopped out the department written on the rig. If you know Johnny, you know where he works. If you don't know him... well, you don't need to know that info.

Getting sworn in

Receiving his badge

Pinning the badge

Family photo ops

My two firefighting bros

John and Lindsey!

Happy birthday dude!! Nice cake Lindsey... ; )

Just a little to the left, no wait, a little to the right…

2007-12-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

Grinch. It’s our theme this year.

Nope. We’re not putting a giant grinch on our front ‘lawn’ – and by ‘lawn’ I mean dirt with dead leaves – and the who’s of who-ville won’t be scattered around.

When I say grinch, I mean no decorations at all.

And trust me, we stick out like a sore thumb. Our neighborhood is like Candy Cane Lane on crack. One of our neighbors decorated their green house in all green lights. It looks like the Jolly Green Giant puked after a Saint Patty’s Day Party.

It’s not that we don’t like decorations, and it’s not that we don’t have them (I bought a TON in an after Christmas sale early this year in anticipation of having a house at Christmas). We simply have not had the time.

We finally caved to peer pressure and decided to hang a string of lights this weekend. Unfortunately we only have a 4 foot ladder… which is fine… if your roof isn’t taller than 8 feet and you don’t have a peaked garage… which we have.

So Chris put up lights where he could then stood outside with his hands on his hips staring at the house.

‘Hey Hon, I think I can reach the top portion if I pull my truck parallel across the driveway and put the ladder in the back. THEN, I could stand on the top of the truck and toss the lights onto the roof. Oh and I have a great idea for our pre-lit Reindeer. I’d like to hang him upside-down from the front tree. You know, like he fell off Santa’s sleigh and died in our tree’

Put a Budweiser in his hand and I’m pretty sure you’d have the beginnings of a redneck joke.

Ever working on being a good wife, I smiled and said, ‘Sure Hon.’

My teeth may have been clinched but I said yes so that counts!

I’m going to have to apologize to a lot of little kids this year.

So it’s a little cold. Get over it…

2007-12-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

It’s really beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. I woke up yesterday morning to a ‘balmy’ 56 degrees. Can you get frostbite at 56 degrees? It sure feels like it.

Now before my lovely family in the Mid-West and North-East chew me out and start insulting Californians, let me clarify.

It was 56 degrees INSIDE MY HOUSE.

It would seem that during the ‘Great Wars’ - which occurred shortly before our house was built - they rationed food, rubber, metal, fabric, … and insulation for houses.

We have a brand new furnace but my husband married a miser so…

He freezes.

I just don’t see the point of paying to heat a house when we have free blankets.

But there are some good things…

I can guiltlessly skip going to the gym because I burn more calories at home… shivering.

If I take food out of the fridge and set it on the counter… it gets colder.

and

I scribbled the wine refrigerator off my Christmas list… and replaced it with a wine defroster.

Stop it! I will not give this to you!!

2007-12-07T12:24:00.001-08:00

OK, so my iPod/Craiglist experience turned out not so great.

I posted the ad with a selling price I thought was fair. A woman e-mailed me 20 minutes after the ad was placed, agreed to buy it, and decided on a location to meet. The sheer excitement in her voice along with the ‘It works right? It does? Is there a reason you are selling it at such a low price? Is it damaged?

Yes.
Yes.
That’s a low price?
No.

Over the next few hours, more e-mails followed like:

‘I’ll take it! I have cash! I’ll meet you anywhere!’

‘Is this still available? Is there something wrong with it??!?!’

‘Please let me buy it!!’

And my personal favorite:

‘I am really interested your pink nano ipod. I was wondering if you are willing to go as low $5 or $10 dollars just because I am really tight on money.’

I’m not going to say how much I sold it for – because obviously I sold it for too little based on the overwhelming response – but it wasn’t ANYWHERE in the neighborhood of ten bucks. Heck, it wasn’t in the neighborhood of fifty bucks!

And she wasn’t the only one! Another woman asked if I would give it to her ‘out of the goodness of my heart’!

… goodness of my heart…

Now that’s just funny.

Not to sound harsh but…

Ladies, if you’re tight on money, perhaps a Nano is the last thing you should be surfing for on Craigslist. Last time I checked, the necessities in life are: Food, Clothing, Housing, & Gray’s Anatomy – in no particular order of course.

I am selling this item because I NEED the money. If I didn’t NEED the money, I’d give it to a family member. If you are interested in a Socialistic society where we all have the same things, there are a few European countries you might like and Canada is ever willing to pay your healthcare.

I didn’t write that to either of them – as much as I wanted to. I held my tongue and replied, ‘The iPod was sold – at full price.’

When I told Chris that I thought I might have undersold my iPod, he nodded his head in shame. That’s the estimator in him. Shoot high and negotiate downward.

I mean really, how do you think he ended up with me?

Oh shut up Cole! It was on the ‘shooting high’ part!!
Grandma’s got my back!

Oh well. I met with the lady who bought it last night. She’s a firefighter’s wife and she was buying it for her daughter as a Christmas gift.

Firefighters = Appreciated but horrifically underpaid.

She couldn’t stop telling me how perfect it was. I think she said thank you 100 times.

And I have no regrets on how much I sold it for. It went to the perfect person.

Maybe I do have goodness in my heart. It will cost you, but it’s there.

But I neeeeeeed it!

2007-12-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

I hate Apple.

The company, not the fruit.

Actually, come to think of it, the fruit isn’t so great either. Anyway…

I’ve had my hot pink Nano MP3 player for a year now and I’ve been happy with it. Happy until they came out with the new one that comes with games and plays videos. Suddenly mine’s not so cool.

I’ve been ‘casually’ hinting to Chris that I’d like the new Nano for Christmas. ‘Casually’ for me of course means, ‘Hey hon, buy me the new Nano for Christmas please.’

His response is always, ‘I’m not buying you one. You’ve got a Nano that works perfectly fine!’

This from the man who won’t wear his San Diego Charger - Tomlinson jersey anymore because it’s from last season.

For most, when your man says that, it secretly means he’ll buy it for you. Um, not so much with Chris.

So, a hearty thanks to the San Diego Reader for publishing two of my BLOGs, the lady from Craigslist for buying my old Nano, and Jesus for my job because…

I’m buying the new Nano for myself.

By the way Chris, I’m returning that Castillo jersey I bought you for your birthday.

And James…

I have a fabulous picture of Mike holding Keira while she’s reaching in earnest toward a gi-normous bottle of Sapporo but I have a feeling if I posted it, mom would lament over the ‘tackiness’ of babies and alcohol.

Dogs? No, I don’t have any, why do you ask?

2007-12-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to ‘be a responsible dog owner’, I purchased a $90 rod iron fence to cover the little holes the dogs were digging to ‘visit’ the neighbors.

Three days later, after letting her anger stew a while, the neighbor came over to yell at me again about the dogs. Mike wasn’t home so I couldn’t shove him in front of her and tell him to take his shirt off and smile to calm her down.

Apparently my dogs were able to wiggle through the bars and get into her yard. The bars are 2 ½” apart. My dogs are 5” wide. Either a.) They’ve got hops – enough to leap over a 4 foot fence or b.) They’ve been breaking into the house, stealing the Pam Cooking Spray from under the stove, greasing the fence, and shoving themselves through.

UGH!!!

I went immediately down to Lowe’s and plopped another $50 on more fencing.

Then…

Casey came over to visit yesterday and let’s just put it this way…

Casey has dogs, I have dogs. My dogs smell Casey’s dogs on her purse. My dogs ‘mark their territory’.

And no, it can’t possibly be a $20 purse from Target – it had to be a brand spankin’ new Coach Purse.

So it’s no exaggeration to say that yesterday wasn’t the best day for a ‘pet friendly’ realtor to drop off her card, a note pad with pictures of her and her dogs on it, and a sticker for my front door that says:

‘Dear firefighters and police officers, in case of a fire we have animals in this house. Their names are ____________’

I took a fat felt tip marker and scribbled, ‘Nope, we’re good. Please save the little girls next door. Thanks!’

Then, to make things worse, I took the purse to the cleaners this morning. Nothing says ‘ROB ME BLIND’ like a beautiful Coach Purse. I explained to the lady that my dog had… relieved himself… on the purse and I had washed the bag but it needed a professional cleaning.

She spent 5 minutes looking me up and down then said, ‘This needs to be sent out. Very expensive.’

‘Umm. Can you spot clean just this part?’ I begged.

‘No, I can only clean the whole purse’ she said.

‘But they didn’t touch the whole thing just this…’ I tried

‘No. Whole thing.’ She snapped.

‘But…’ I started again.

‘No!’ She said in finality. ‘And this will take a week.’

‘Wait! A week!?!? But I don’t have a week!’ I pleaded.

‘Let me make a call.’ She picked up the phone and started speaking in a foreign language. I’m guessing she said, ‘Yeah, I’ve got this lady here holding a very expensive Coach Purse and I’m trying to figure out how we can get as much money as possible from her. Oh, and she literally has ‘sucker’ written across her forehead.’

She hung up, ‘I can get it done tomorrow but that will cost you extra.’

I didn’t know what else to do so I left the purse in the hands of the crazy cleaning lady. As if she hadn’t raked me over the coals enough she called me back to sign a waiver.

‘Just in case anything goes wrong’ she said with a smile.

Thanks…

Excuse me… published author coming through…

2007-12-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

For those of you who didn’t hear the screams of glee, my BLOG has been published in the San Diego Reader. You can view the online version at: http://www.sdreader.com/published/current/blogdiego.html
Feel free to say something nice (IE. something totally untrue) about me in the comments section then run to your local 7-11 to get a paper copy before Thursday.

I’ve been published before… lots of times. But I’m not technically sure the Cuyamaca Community College paper, the ‘Coyote Express’ counts – especially when the paper is produced by students and if you don’t have something published, you get a really crummy grade.

That… and they didn’t pay either.

So, in clarification, this is the first time someone paid me for my writings.

…and I think it’s pretty cool.

In sickness and in health…

2007-11-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

Monday night I had a tiny scratch in my throat. Tuesday morning, I could swear a truck had run me over in my sleep. By Wednesday evening I was a mess. In my cough/cold medicine induced fog, I drove home from work and found myself on the far left hand side of the freeway wondering… when did I change lanes?

I came home, dropped my bag on the floor, and collapsed on the couch. My toes cramped so bad they resembled a hobbit…minus the hair of course. Whatever crummy cold virus I caught started attacking my right eye so I couldn’t close or open it. It was stuck at that awkward halfway point, which surprisingly was a good thing because it covered the white of my eye… which was no longer white but a bright red.

After a couple hours, I had grown tired of constantly wiping my nose so I jammed a tissue up it. I was holding onto my toes in an attempt to get them turned the right way, and the constant ‘I’m going to sneeze feeling’ caused my eyes to water so much it looked as if I had been sobbing.

That’s when Chris came home and I sincerely wondered if I had ever looked worse. I looked at him – well, with one eye anyway - and thought, ‘Please, please love me anyway’.

I could romanticize it and say he picked me up, carried me to bed, and fed me soup while I watched Judge Judy but… that’s not what happened.

Instead, he laughed at me.

Thanks.

But I’m feeling so very miserable that I’ve actually been watching what I eat in an attempt to get better. I’ve been taking vitamins, adding whole wheat and grains into my meals, and I’ve stopped eating sweets completely.

This is a big deal because…

I’ve modified my diet precisely two times in my life. Once, when I was 19, I tried a go at anorexia. It my twisted teenage mind I thought, ‘Well it worked well for my sister, so it should work for me.’ I had made my decision to become an anorexic at 8AM. At 12PM the same day, my friend asked me to go to lunch. My bout with anorexia lasted exactly 4 hours.

The second time was when I hit 24. I was grazing 120 pounds but I thought I would look oh so svelte in my wedding dress if I were 110. Mom and Liz had done a ‘Liver Cleansing’ diet where you eat all healthy, natural foods for 8 weeks. I started but after a record 20 days I could no longer resist the temptation of a carne asada burrito. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad on it’s own but following it with 5 rolled tacos and carne asada fries…well. You get it.

We’ll see how it goes. I’m on day three of whole wheat bagels and lettuce with flax seeds and I’m starting to feel better.

As long as no one says, “Hilberto’s”, I’ll be OK.

No seriously... I don't like him...

2007-11-27T19:26:00.000-08:00

I was editing a film for school on Sunday when I was interrupted by a loud banging at my front door. I opened it and was greeted by my very disheveled neighbor who was furiously upset and notified me that my dog had been in and out of her yard for the last four days. She followed that with a 20 minute lecture on ‘responsible dog ownership’.

I was tempted to interrupt and say, ‘Perhaps this is information you should have shared FOUR DAYS AGO’ but instead repeated in my head my ever present mantra… ‘I will not fight with the neighbors, I will not fight with the neighbors, I will not fight with the neighbors’. I started the mantra when the grouchy old lady across the street told me not to let my friends – even on rare occasions - park on ‘her’ side of the street – umm, silly me, I thought it was a public street.

Anyway…

I maintained my cool, apologized for my wayward dog, and promised to solve the problem then threw in a fake smile for good measure. She gave a glare, then trolled back to her house.

Unfortunately, I’m beginning to wonder if Chris was correct in his assertion that my dogs are simply ‘glorified rats’. As my dog escaped back into my yard from a hole the size of a ping pong ball, I wondered if I should check him for collapsible ribs.

I decided to go high tech … and stacked a couple heavy rocks in front of the offending hole then patted myself on the back for being so smart.

Unfortunately, I’m soooo not.

My dog made another hole and escaped yet again after I left for work. The difference was, my brother was left to deal with our neighbor and their exchange was more along the lines of…

BANG BANG BANG

Mike answers the door with a smile - teeth gleaming like the White House crystal chandelier.

Neighbor: Hi. Umm. *Giggle* Your dog somehow got into my backyard *Giggle*

Mike: Oh gee, I’m really sorry. It’s actually my sister’s dog.

Neighbor: It’s no big deal *Giggle* Just thought I’d let you know. *Giggle* *Hair flip*

Mike: Great thanks. I’ll let her know.

Neighbor gives one of those stupid ‘girly baby' waves and saunters back to her house... still giggling like a school girl.

I’m going to ghost write a book for Mike and title it:

‘The terrifically difficult life of a young firefighter: It’s not my fault everyone thinks I’m really ridiculously good looking and showers me with love, affection, and the occassional gift’

Napa… last one I promise…

2007-11-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

Chris and I decided to go on a romantic nature walk early in the morning. As we slowly strolled down the path hand in hand I felt my long hair skim my shoulders and chest. I flicked away the stray strands but the persistent itchy ‘hair’ feeling stayed with me. Annoyed, I looked down to pull the stray strand of ‘hair’ off my chest only to see a big, black, hairy spider creep down the front of my tank top.

I screamed. And not a cute ‘I’m such a girl’ scream - it was a loud ‘I just ran into the murderer from America’s Most Wanted and there’s nothing between me and him but a bloody chainsaw’ scream.

I yanked down the front of my shirt – not caring in the least if anyone saw - and turned to Chris while screaming, ‘SPIDER, SPIDER, SPIDER!!!!’

Let’s make something clear here. I was wearing a WHITE shirt, my bra was WHITE, and my skin is practically translucent it’s so WHITE, so seeing a nasty BLACK spider should be easy.

Instead, my ‘loving’, ‘caring’ husband just stood and stared with a lopsided grin on his face.

I ran backwards (as if the spider would fall off or something), leaned backward, leaned forward, shook my arms, and even blew on it but the stupid thing was hell bent and biting me – and it’s not like my ‘dear’ husband was helping.

I finally mustered all my bravery and flicked the stupid thing until it fell off.

Meanwhile, Chris was still standing… staring.

When I started to yell at him for not helping he said, ‘I couldn’t see it!’

But the grin he was trying to hide said everything.

Thank you sweetheart. One day, I hope to return the favor.

For the next two days, we went from winery to winery to winery on tour buses and cars. So really, it wasn’t a surprise when Chris – at winery number five of the day – said, ‘Forget Hawaii, Napa is our new tradition’.

And so it is.

Stupid spiders and all.

Our AMAZING B & B - soooo much better than the crappy hotel!

And Napa continues...

2007-11-21T07:49:00.000-08:00

According to my spreadsheet, Saturday’s agenda was:

Hike the Sonoma Trail
Bike around Sonoma
Walk the outdoor city square

None of which could be done in the current conditions.

Chris and I woke up to… foggy, rainy gloom.

Chris smiled and looked at me expectantly, ‘So what’s plan B?’

‘Plan B??!! PLAN B?!?!? THERE IS NO PLAN B!! How could I not have a plan B!!??’ I panicked.

I had spent weeks pouring through books and websites until the wee hours of the morning and I hadn’t thought to create a plan B?!?!?

We went to breakfast at a mom and pop diner while I was feverously praying for sunshine. As we walked outside and the rain soaked everything we were wearing, we caved and bought umbrellas.

I was left to…

and I can’t believe I have to say we had to…

Wing it.

I am NOT a ‘wing it’ girl.

I DO NOT fly by the seat of my pants.

But…

I have to say, our choice of driving from winery to winery wasn’t such a bad idea… for me anyway.

Poor Chris was trapped in the car with me and my iPod playlist. All he heard for the next several hours was Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera belting out Christmas tunes.

I may have thrown in a little John Denver, Dolly Parton, and Kenny Rogers – but it’s simply not Christmas in November without them!

Chateau St. Jean

Ledson

We also stopped by to wish Chris' grandpa a happy 75th!

And to check out his office.

Yeah, because it's oh so normal to have pictures of you with three of the US presidents, many many world leaders, and you on the cover of magazines.

Wow. I was amazed, but I think I hid it well by only saying 'Oh my gosh' 100 times instead of the 250 times I thought about saying it.

Napa part II…

2007-11-20T07:11:00.000-08:00

For our first full day, we woke early (OK, I woke up early and got ready loud enough to ‘accidentally’ wake Chris – thank you hairdryer) and drove to Bodega Bay where they filmed Alfred Hitchcock’s classic, The Birds. This eerie little town had ghostly moss growing over all the trees that hung down in perfect sheets that moved slowly as you drove past.

I was willing to hang out for as long as Chris wanted… in daylight hours. Nighttime with that kind of creepy gives me the chills!

We walked along the cliffs overlooking the ocean and Chris noticed a tiny trail off the edge that led down to a desolate cove and beach. He thought it would be a good idea to climb down the cliff. I started to follow him then freaked out about silly things like rocks at the bottom of the horrendous fall I’d make if I took a wrong step. Deciding I liked my brains on the inside of my skull rather than out, I hightailed it back up to safety.

We drove to the Armstrong Redwood Forest and were amazed by the beauty of the towering redwoods. We hiked the ‘easy trail’ according to the map and found ourselves quickly out of breath.

It was the altitude… (OK, so maybe we were only 1500 feet above sea level)

But it was the grade! (OK, so that may have been .02 but it FELT a lot steeper!!)

In our defense, I did take a wrong turn… or two (or 6) so our .7 mile ‘easy walk’ ended up somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 very hilly miles.

Mental note, next time, make Chris be the navigator.

We made a quick stop at the Francis Ford Coppola winery and took a tour. Yummy!! He had his awards there from the Godfather... can we say, 'Closest I'll ever get to an Oscar?!?'

We then drove to Sonoma Lake to see the famed ‘Overlook Bridge’ that I’d read a lot about in my tour books. You can imagine my disappointment when we arrived at the Sonoma Lake Visitors center and walked out to the bridge behind it suspended over a…

pond.

Literally. I could probably jump into the middle and still be knee deep. I’m not even sure why they had a bridge!

Disappointed, we decided to drive up a hill and see if there was a view of Napa at the top. We made a few random turns and discovered a parking lot at the top with a… wait, is that a bridge?!?!

Walking out on a suspended deck past the trees, we suddenly noticed … the most amazing view of a HUGE lake.

Apparently I had guided us in the wrong direction yet again and this was the real bridge.

OK, so my navigation skills leave a lot to be desired.

What a trip!!

2007-11-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

First off, a very, very happy birthday to my sweetheart. 26 today!!!

Our trip to Napa in one word?

Amazing.

I’m going to have to write this in parts because… we just had sooooo much fun!

We arrived at the Oakland Airport to pick up our rental car and were pleasantly surprised at our luck (and answered prayers). Being the miser I am, I booked the cheapest ‘wild car’ which in essence means, ‘whatever we have left over’. We received a brand spankin’ new red Chrysler Sebring which was pretty darn cute!

Thank you Lord!

I hate taking maps everywhere so we rented a GPS that Chris promptly named Cinnamon. Fine name… for an exotic dancer! Geez! People kept giving him strange looks when he’d talk about ‘Cinnamon’ and her fabulous work.

GPS thingies are super cool and I would recommend taking them EVERYWHERE… except San Francisco. There’s these things called - Super Tall, Super Obnoxious Buildings – all over San Fran and they block the GPS communication with space. The transmitter can travel light years through stars and bad weather but trips out over a silly building. Don’t you love technology?

‘Cinnamon’ would be saying, ‘At the next intersection turn le…’ then the satellite would cut out. I was getting kinda upset but when she abandoned us in front of Macy’s… I took it as a sign from God.

Thank you Lord again.

On the other hand, when she abandoned us in front of health food stores, men’s shoe stores, or investment firms… those were accidents - NOT divine interventions.

We drove over to the House of Nanking (Hays tradition - or a James tradition that we all copied because he IS the coolest). We looked at the menu (silly they even have a menu since they tell you what they are going to bring you) and the owner stopped by our table to ‘recommend’ (ie: order for us) some yummy dishes.

We arrived at our hotel in Santa Rosa (which I booked on a website that will remain unnamed) that we paid, well, let’s just say I bought a gallon of milk at Target and it cost more than our room. On the outside, our hotel was nice. On the inside… well, let’s just say I wouldn’t bring my kids here unless they had fully developed immune systems and were up to date on their shots… measles, mumps, HPV, HIV, PBS, QVC, HSN, and Hepatitis A – Z.

As we opened the door and flipped on the lights, they flickered for a good 60 seconds before giving in and turning on. I smelled the comforter and immediately decided… nope, not washed… and threw it on the floor (fortunately the sheets smelled clean). The box spring, which had been artfully covered by the comforter, had a huge streak of a dried brown/red fluid across of the bottom that was far too much to be blood – unless someone was fully stabbed to death. I told Chris I guessed it was someone who died and started decaying but since they change the sheets so infrequently (changing sheets is a $10 fee according to the plastic sign in the bathroom), the body wasn’t found for ages and the blood and guts slowly leaked out for weeks!

By the look on his face….someone doesn’t like my active imagination.

But most important, I discovered something important about myself…

I am VERY, VERY, obviously not high maintenance.

Thank you Lord again!

OK, well, that’s enough for now. I’ll update you on the rest later. BUT, here’s the mattress photo. Any guesses as to what exactly that is???!!??

What a wonderful world!

2007-11-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

Chris and I agreed to not buy each other anniversary presents this year because of our trip.

When you say, “Let’s not buy presents”… doesn’t that mean, “let’s not buy presents?!?!”

I came home from work and he had a beautiful pile of all my favorite types of chocolate. A perfect bouquet of red roses was in the kitchen sitting under a new cabinet mounted cd player. He told me that since I’ve been spending so much time cooking in the kitchen, he thought it might be nice to listen to some music.

Jerk.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that he broke the rules, he had to be…

downright…

thoughtful.

Yeah. That’s upsetting.

Not to say I wasn’t grateful – I totally was, but I found myself slowly walking backward covering my ‘I love you berry much’ card.

‘Your gift is… on its way’ I lied.

Thank you honey. You are so sweet… even though you break rules.

Seriously, that’s mean.

AND…

A few days ago, my puppies disappeared.

I kinda have the kiss of death when it comes to dogs.

Tink disappeared 2 years ago in a winter storm.

My newest, Turkish and Thorny… well… $700 coyote bait?

I was thinking of putting this on my car as a warning to others.

After 4 days missing, I assumed they were goners.

Last night, mom called to let me know…

Dad put up signs on our mailbox, the mail lady recognized them from a found poster over a mile south, and called my mom.

My dogs are now safely home.

Some days are good days. Other days are great days.

Yesterday… was a great day.

Happy Anniversary!!

2007-11-06T07:45:00.000-08:00

It’s been three years and boy they’ve flown by. Here’s to many more…

I love you!

Again?!?!?!

2007-11-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

I was pretty popular in high school – and I’m not being sarcastic here…. Seriously, I was.

Sure there were only 22 in my graduating class… but all of them knew who I was. In fact, almost the whole high school knew me.

Random girls and guys (who I had no idea what their names were) would come up to me and say, ‘Hi Rebekah!’ then they’d try hard to start a conversation and befriend me.

Naturally I assumed the girls liked me because I was sweet, friendly, and fun - and I assumed the guys loved my… ravishing good looks.

I discovered (about half way through my sophomore year) that the girls (yup all of them) had killer crushes on the ‘hottest boys in high school’… who happened to be my twin brothers.

The boys attempted to befriend me because the ‘coolest boys in high school’ owned guns and were allowed to invite others up to skeet shoot on their property… those ‘cool boys’ were my brothers too.

Sure, my feelings could have been hurt, but they weren’t. I was too busy loving popularity.

I LOVED high school.

Well things haven’t changed much… in my wine class I was chatting it up with the girl who sits in front of me and she started talking about firefighters and the fire. I mentioned that I have two brothers who are firefighters… twin firefighters… twin 25 year old firefighters.

To which she responded… ‘Do you have pictures?!?! Is it getting hot in here?!?!?’

There was a collective screech of chairs.

Suddenly four girls joined our conversation.

Sooooo high school all over again.

‘Are your brothers single?’ a girl asked.

Ummm…..

‘Yes?’

Sorry Lindsey and Casey.

Popularity is just so darn addictive!

No I will NOT give you candy and don’t even think about egging my house!!

2007-11-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

Katie offered to help me out last night (since Chris was at school) so we met at my house and left to run some errands. More than anything, I wanted to be there for our very first trick or treater, so we rushed through the stores (Katie did make some stops to chat with the guys at Target though – and no Katie, you DIDN’T know them). Mike stayed home to watch for early birds.

We stopped to buy more candy (I was fearful the 47 pounds I bought from Walmart wouldn’t be enough) and pick up the latest Christmas album.

Christmas. It’s never to early for Christmas. Anyway…

We returned to my house and I said breathlessly, ‘Did I miss any?’

‘Nope’ Mike said while entranced in his videogame – not that he would have heard them anyway.

I would get to give out the first candy after all!!

Did any come when I started making dinner?

No.

Did any come when Katie and I split that bottle of German wine?

No.

Did any come as I unpacked my Target bag?

No.

Did any come when I made a 2 second bathroom stop?

Yup.

Katie gave out the first candy. Thank you very much small bladder.

I wasn’t sure how much to give the little brats so I ended up holding out the bowl and telling them to knock themselves out.

And they did.

Our house won’t get egged by the kiddos… but I may have a few parents who would be tempted.

Giving out candy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be - especially when you are trying to eat dinner or watch a movie. By the end of the night, the candy was gone, my dinner was cold, and I’d seen 10 minutes of ‘License to Wed’.

Next year, the lights are going off and I’m snuggling up in my bed to watch a Judge Judy marathon… UNINTERUPPTED.

And for the record… XM radio is worth every penny.

The Holly Channel started today!! 24 hours a day of Christmas music!

So. If you come into my office and hear Vanessa Williams singing The First Noel at unearthly decibels… please don’t be surprised.

I gotta go. Bruce Springsteen just started his rendition of Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

Halloween?!?!

2007-10-31T13:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve never been a fan of Halloween.

There’s always been an unhappy stigma attached to this day. Over the years, we lost a few animals and I think a cat went missing somewhere in there too. We hated having to lock them up a few days before and on Halloween.

And to top it off, mom would show us a Christian video about what happens around Halloween. Even though it’s been at least 15 years, I can still see the blurry pictures and can hear the scary stories.

We never had trick or treaters… turns out, walking a mile down a dark and scary road for a candy bar just wasn’t worth it.

Mom and dad wouldn't let us trick or treat as kids because they didn't want to celebrate a bad holiday - and to be honest, I didn't feel I was missing much.

When Chris and I moved to our own apartment, we never had a trick or treater there either. We always had school on Halloween.

Halloween has always been just another day to me.

So.

Today is a big day.

Today is the first day in my whole life I will have trick or treaters coming to my door.

While I’m not excited about celebrating a day I don’t particularly like, I am excited about new experiences.

Have a safe Halloween!

Pictures

2007-10-31T13:15:00.000-07:00

Thought you might enjoy a few pictures from our trip to Ensenada...

Vending machine... condoms on the right, cigarettes on the left

The city streets

At our hotel balcony

Our hotel - Hotel Corona

And they have kids ride this thing?!?!

The fish market

Yup, that's really in a window for all to see.

The view from our balcony

The bride and groom plus the Collin's folks.

Chris and I at dinner

The boys eating bacon wrapped hot dogs with mayonnaise.

Waiting for our bus ride home

Discovering Ensenada…

2007-10-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Sooo….

Mexico.

We took a shuttle out of San Diego. Mexico is a laid back country in most aspects (like Chris says, Manana doesn’t mean ‘tomorrow’, it means, ‘not today’), but driving is an exception to the rule. If a ‘Califorornia Roll’ over the stop line would get you a good horn honking, I don’t even want to imagine what a full fledged stop would get.

I have to admit that I had my doubts about our bus driver. She was barely clearing 80 pounds and there were more teeth missing than showing in her mouth.

Once again, I learned not to judge.

She NAILED the trip.

On the drive home she yelled and honked with the rest of them. She inched closer and closer to a car blocking an intersection and said, ‘I’ll just give them a little bump OK?’ as she smiled back at us.

Fortunately the car moved in the nick of time.

She gave new meaning to the Carrie Underwood song, ‘Jesus Take the Wheel.’

I felt like I was driving with dad (control in chaos) and there was a comfort in that.

My Spanish vocabulary is limited to words shared with the English language. For example, I can say: burrito, taco, enchilada, tortilla, and rodeo. Beyond that, it’s an awkward game of charades.

Fortunately, the only word I really needed to know was ‘Margarita’ anyway.

Love you mom.

We stayed at the Hotel Corona on the water. Other than the plaster on the inside, it looked just like a Holiday Inn… except for the vending machine in the lobby.

Hmm.

D-7 = Doritos
B-1 = Nature Made Granola Bars
A-2 = Marlboro’s
A-3 = Marlboro Light’s
G-9 = condoms

Add beef jerky and it’s pretty much 7-11 in a cute compact case.

As for the food, we had fresh fish tacos at a very non FDA approved taco stand. They didn’t speak English but I’m pretty good at pointing and Spanish numbers. I said ‘Ocho’ and held up one finger. She looked confused but perhaps she didn’t get my enunciation.

They told me not to drink the water but… what’s the worst that could happen? I get sick? I could get a giant intestinal worm?

Come on! Both of those would result in effective, rapid weight loss.

I’m playing my girl card here. Give me some water.

Unfortunately I didn’t get sick and I didn’t lose weight.

Some people just don’t have ANY luck.

The wedding was a very traditional Mexican wedding – meaning – no one showed up for the ceremony and EVERYONE showed up for the party. If there’s one thing the Mexican people know how to do well, it’s throw a good party.

Reception start time: 7PM
Dinner: 10:30PM
Cake: 1:30AM
Go home: 4AM

Weddings on this side of the border suddenly look like glorified tea parties.

Not sure when I’ll be returning but Chris’ uncle and aunt - Steve and Carol - definitely made this trip memorable. I wouldn’t think to go without them… ever.

In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever travel internationally without them.

… and the next thing you know…

The dinner dilemma…

2007-10-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

In light of the recent fires and the slightly less than stellar air quality (if you can see the air you are breathing… you probably shouldn’t be breathing it), I’ve been sticking indoors and avoiding any extra stops between work and home.

Sure my pocketbook is benefiting, no ATM transactions in 4 days is an all time record – heck 4 hours would be a record. Unfortunately our frig, which was nearly empty in the first place, is now home to mustard and a molding bowl of sticky rice.

It’s been a struggle to make dinner to say the least.

Tuesday night I offered Chris the following options:

1.) Rice with powdered mashed potatoes
2.) Waffles with no butter or syrup
3.) Hamburger Helper… with only the ‘Helper’ part

His choice:

Burger King.

Whatever. He can’t say I didn’t try.

Last night I tried to make it up to him so I made** a roasted chicken with mashed potatoes.

Um, the asterisk is because the chicken was pre-cooked from Albertsons and the mashed potatoes were technically made by the lovely people at Country Crock. Microwavable. You should try them.

My Culinary Arts Chef would cry if he knew.

But I have BIG plans tonight. Aloha Chicken Kebabs – not prepackaged.

Then again…. We’ll see. It still stinks outside and yesterday I had to chew after I inhaled through my mouth.

Update for those who are wondering...

2007-10-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

As I recommended yesterday, for the latest in the fire news, please visit:

http://www.sdcountyemergency.com/

They had over 9 million hits yesterday and the site crashed for a couple hours so either:

A.) I have a lot more readers than I thought

B.) A few people searched for the San Diego fires on Google or

C.) I hit 'refresh' 9 million times.

I'm guessing... C.

Here's the latest map with our homes on it...

For a bigger picture, click here

John and Lindsey are still close but they got the all clear to go home so we have reason to celebrate.

Fires...

2007-10-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

I've been pretty quiet as of late due to the fires. Fortunately all the family is safe. John and Mike are out fighting the fires and last we heard, they are doing well. This is exactly what they have been training for and we are all so proud of them.

For those who are out of town and don't have quite the news coverage, if you are interested in following the progress of the fire, I suggest you check the San Diego County Emergency homepage at:

http://www.sdcountyemergency.com/

They have all the latest evacuations.

Here's a map of the fire as of 5:30 AM. I put our families homes on there so you can kinda see where things are. It's hardly accurate (compared to the 12:30 AM map it moved A LOT in 5 short hours so you can imagine how much it's moved in 4 more) but it will give you an idea of where things are. Click here for the photo.

We'd really appreciate all your prayers, especially for John and Lindsey who are closest. What a way to start a brand new marriage huh? ; )

Thanks!!

WHAT?!?!?!...

2007-10-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

So I’m a little obsessive compulsive.

I may scrub our stainless steel kitchen sink with Comet, wipe it out with a towel, and then bleach it. But if I don’t… I get the occasional water spot!

I may plan out vacations a little too much. I may have created color coded Excel spreadsheet with three tabs (one for location, one for time and date of activities plus hours open, one for back up ideas) and the secondary sheet with travel warnings and tips from the U.S. Department of State.

I may have cried because we had to put a desk in our room and now the room looks ‘uneven’.

… OK, so maybe I’m a lot obsessive compulsive.

And our finances are no exception. Just think… if I’m obsessive about the things that don’t matter, I’m WAY worse with things that do matter.

So. You can imagine my surprise yesterday when we received a call I thought we’d never get. A call from…

A COLLECTIONS AGENCY!

‘This message is for Christopher, we have an urgent matter to discuss with you. We’re calling from Blankety Blank Collections, please call us immediately!’

Hoping and praying the call was from some jacked up peddler, I googled the number (I’m not stupid. Solicitors are sneaky turds) and…

It was a bon-a-fide collections company.

I left for school and called Chris in a panic.

‘Honey, you’ve got something in COLLECTIONS! Can you call them the second you get home!!??’

Oh but it didn’t stop there…I kept calling.

*ring*

‘Hon, don’t give them your Social Security Number!’

*ring*

‘Hon, don’t give them your credit card number!’

*ring*

‘Don’t give them ANYTHING! You know what Jesus says, shrewd as… as… something or other!’

*ring*

‘Tell them we want something in writing or an office address!’

*ring*

‘HONNNNNEYYYY! Did you call yet?!?!?’

To which he exasperatedly said, ‘I’m on HOLD!! PLEASE STOP CALLING!’

Meanwhile, I’m breaking out in a cold sweat. I organize paying the bills – not because I’m a kind wife, I just really really like it. Spreadsheets and math? I’m like a kid in a candy store!

So if anyone is to blame when something goes terribly wrong… it’s ME!

I sat in class for the longest 5 hours ever.

As soon as class was over, I fumbled for my phone and frantically called Chris.

‘Honey, what was it? How much is it? Who is the bill from because I SWEAR I pay on time! You didn’t give them any information did you because if you did…’ I started.

Before a dug a hole too deep, Chris told me…

Same name, wrong person, wrong number.

Cheers to collections people. Thanks for making not only people with who can’t pay their bills miserable but also everyone else who shares their names.

Turds.

THE wedding...

2007-10-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

John and Lindsey got married this weekend!! YAY!!

The ceremony and reception were held at the Maderas Golf Course and it was BEAUTIFUL!!

I had the pleasure of serving as a bridesmaid so I wasn't able to take many photos... that and my camera battery was dying.

And this.... is about how we ALL felt at the end of the night!!!

If you like Pina Colada…

2007-10-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

I’m growing increasingly excited about this weekend but there is still a cloud hanging over my head.

Sure, John-E and Lindsey are getting married and I’m super stoked but as soon as that’s over I’m heading to…

Mexico

Bleh.

Sorry to those who like Mexico, but my only experiences with Mexico have been crap.

I simply don’t enjoy paying off government employees in an effort to dodge being arrested and if I wanted to deal with gangs I’d simply take a short trip to South East San Diego.

If I’m going to throw myself through the dangers of foreign travel, I’d rather be wrongfully arrested and be able to say, ‘At least I got to see the Eiffel Tower!’ or ‘At least I got to tour the Louvre!’ but saying, ‘At least I got to haggle for this plaster Bart Simpson head piggy bank’ just doesn’t tickle my fancy.

And no taco is worth an $80 Baja bus fare and a 4+ hour drive.

But alas, I must go. In the event of my untimely death from ‘turf wars’, please bury me in the cheapest method possible – pine box… plastic wrap… tissue paper, whatever’s legal. I’m not afraid of worms.

Please be sure to identify my body. I’d hate to be sold to Venezuelan drug lords while a ‘medical use’ cadaver is buried under my headstone.

At least I have very good dental records.

But I DID take a shower… yesterday.

2007-10-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, I’ve had a faint sewer smell that came and went in my office. I’d simply turn on my fan and the smell would go away.

Until this morning…

My office smells like a Tijuana sewage spill – the smell keeps going and going and going…

The office management people have been sniffing all around my office for the last hour.

Unfortunately the smell keeps getting worse.

Fortunately I don’t feel much like eating so I may have a better chance of actually being able to breathe in my oh so tiny bridesmaids dress this weekend.

The office people left to check if maybe the potent stench was coming from outside. One of the guys came back inside and said, ‘Oh geez! Don’t leave and come back! It smells way worse than if you just stay here.’

Thank you?

At least they make me laugh.

I’m thinking a putting a bandana over my nose like the bank robbers of the Wild West. If people ask, I’m going to tell them I’m promoting Brad Pitt’s new Jesse James movie.

What woman wouldn’t nod in understanding?

By the way, we celebrated a girls night with Lindsey on Saturday. We went for dinner and dancing and had a really great time.

Lessons from a wino…

2007-10-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

I’m really enjoying my wine class. It’s far more difficult than I expected – turns out, we aren’t there just to enjoy a good glass of wine. We actually have to know WHY it’s a good glass and dissect where it comes from based on totally obscure bits of information. But I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far:

1 – I’m better at blindly identifying what microwave meal my co-workers are cooking than the amount of lychee or anise in a Barolo.

2 – When the people ask you what you smell and all you really want to say is, ‘I smell wine’, fake it.

For whites, say ‘apricots’. For reds, say ‘cherry with a hint of vanilla and spice’. Even if you’re totally wrong, people will think you’re brilliant – or at least my teacher thinks I am.

3 – There are such things as really bad wines. Trust me.

4 – I may actually get participation points for the first time in my life.

In all my years in school, I haven’t spoken unless called upon and I generally get low points in participation. But in this class, toward the fourth wine tasting, I find myself raising my hand… and saying I smell tar and tobacco in the Nebbiolo. Since when?!?!

5 – Saying you’re sorry is worth about 40 points.

I forgot about a test and bombed it. I wrote an answer for every question no matter how wrong I thought it was. For example, I wrote ‘Pig’s Bladder’ as a fining technique and for the question, ‘Why do whites not age as well as reds’ I wrote, ‘because they don’t hold up as well’. Two days later, I wrote a long letter of apology to my teacher saying I had ‘no on to blame but myself’ and ‘I hope this doesn’t reflect poorly on me as I AM here to learn’.

I passed the exam.

I love this class.

There are some changes…

2007-10-02T07:55:00.000-07:00

So our house wasn’t on Extreme Home Makeover (We would have applied but we figured the producers wouldn’t likely choose ‘Happy newlywedish couple seeks to make their house not icky’ over ‘Ex-crack whore mother of 13 seeks to make a better home in an effort to keep kids from becoming crack dealers’) but our house is looking pretty good - without their help.

We aren’t finished with the rest of the house, but I thought I’d share the before’s and after’s of our Master Bathroom.

He’s no Ty Pennington but he looks good in a tool belt and he did all the work himself…

Here's the before's (remember, some of these were taken before we moved in. The stuff all over the place isn't ours!):

Mop the floor often?!? Eww!

Yup. That'd be mold growing on the towel racks.

And they felt clean after washing their hands?!?!

Come on people! Cleaning supplies are cheap these days! There's no excuse!

Denture cream and a Cold Stone cup. Good Combo.

Chris tore the bathroom apart down to the studs. Speaking of studs, here's mine at work...

And THIS is our bathroom now:

Can't wait until the whole house is finished!

Man, I be soo darn silly!

2007-10-01T12:11:00.001-07:00

I made an awesome, amazing, ultimately fantastic, good dinner on Saturday (Sautéed onions over baked potatoes and carrots nestled in a mixture of seasoned beef and chicken broth served with chicken baked in olive oil with basil, oregano, thyme, garlic, and butter - in case you were curious). I know - I can be so humble.

Sunday afternoon we went to the driving range to kick back and relax a little. As I walked up, I noticed nearly every spot was taken by a 7 to 9 year old.

Apparently the kiddos had a tournament at the golf course and they were practicing before their tee times.

Excited, I thought I might finally not be the WORST person at the driving range. ‘Whew! I’ll show these kids what’s up! They’ll totally be impressed and admire me! I’ll be an example!’

I was an example…

An example on why taking up golf at 26 is a bad idea.

My golf balls flew in every direction… except straight in front of me.

I heard a parent behind me yell, ‘Oh COME ON! You can do better than that!’

Ready to throw down, I glared up… and realized he wasn’t talking to me – he was yelling at his kid, who had just hit a perfectly straight ball nearly 125 yards with a club shorter than my forearm.

Frankly, I couldn’t figure out the physics of how the kid got that ball so far much less the psychology of a parent who expected better.

I was temped to give the guy my club and say, ‘OK buddy, let’s do the equivalent. You take my club and hit the ball 400 yards. Oh, and your kid isn’t going to be the next Tiger Woods so lighten up OK?’

To make matters worse… I forgot sunblock.

And John and Lindsey's wedding is in two weeks...

And my dress has thin straps...

Oops!

THE fight…

2007-09-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

Chris and I had a ‘difference of opinion’ last night. We were talking about baby names and it led to a heated ‘discussion’.

Why were we fighting about baby names? I have absolutely no idea.

Now before you get those panties in a bunch… I’m not preggo. Maybe someday.. but NOT TODAY.

ANYWAY, we already have two girl names picked out. Some people don’t like to say what they are naming their kids so that no one steals the names but I’m putting it out there that these are OUR names and if someone steals them, I’m printing this BLOG to prove ownership of said names.

If you do steal them or our initial ideas, I’ll never talk to you again – which for some, wouldn’t be a bad thing. Now Cole, no fair popping out another kid just so you can steal our names and reap the benefits of me never speaking to you again. That’s just mean.

Girl name #1 – Natalie Remington Atkinson. N.R.A. We totally dig the initials and the gun name right in the middle should evoke fear in any guy’s heart who is interested in dating her.

Girl name #2 – Hennessey Monea Atkinson. French Cognac and the most beautiful Irish Castle I’ve ever seen – plus Paula and I chased cows there, good memories. Why Hennessey? It’s a pretty name AND Chris wants to call her ‘C’.

No problems right?

Um yeah. Except if genetics plays any role… we won’t even have a girl.

So that’s what our ‘discussion’ was about last night – boys names. Wanna hear what Chris wants to name our prodigy?!?

Kire. Like Tire with a K.

He wants to nickname him, ‘er’.

Ooooh, but it doesn’t stop there. He wants…

Ready…

Wait for it…

Kire Optimus Prime Atkinson.

Yeah. That’s when I started laughing so hard I cried.

Well, he relinquished Optimus Prime but he’s not budging on ‘Kire’.

It will be cold day in hell buddy.

Cold... day... in hell.

The mystery of the shredded sheets…

2007-09-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

Friday night Chris took me out on a date. Is it a bad thing when three years after saying ‘I do’, I get more excited about going out on a date with him than I did when we were actually dating? He opens my car door, he holds my hand, he tells me I look cute… what’s not to like?!?!

Saturday I cleaned the house and organized the linen closet while watching the ‘Ugly Betty’ Marathon on ABC Family. It’s totally like a Spanish soap opera. I dig it. Chris spent the day at Nicole’s house (see her blog for photos).

Sunday morning Chris and I went to the early service at church. Our pastor is starting a new series toward the end of October on the before’s and after’s of marriage. His last series on marriage a year or two ago was fantastic so I’m really excited about it. In preparation, he wanted everyone to fill out a survey with questions like:
Are you married or single?
Is this your first/second/third/etc marriage?
Did you meet your spouse on a dating website?
Do you feel your mate is responsible to make you whole/meet your needs?
Please rate the satisfaction/happiness level of your marriage on a 1 to 5 scale – 1 being miserable, 5 being very happy.

Uhh…
Married.First.No.No.

And…

5

Of course I was overcome with curiosity and tried to peek at Christopher’s answers. He wouldn’t let me see but he had a smile on his face showing his sheer pleasure in keeping it a secret from me.

Jerk.

After a ‘tiny’ inappropriate in church scuffle, I emerged victorious with his survey.

5

Awww. So what do I owe you for lying hon?

A mystery has been solved. Edward Scissorhands did not sleep in our spare bedroom. The comforter was inexplicably slashed and shredded and for the past week I’ve been trying to figure out how it happened.

Turns out, Wesley has a flare for scissors – that or Chris is just pointing the finger. Hmm. A hot pink comforter that I loved and he hated was shredded? Was it Wesley?!?!?

I know this is getting a bit long but…

I would just like to give a quick thanks to our neighbor for making us feel welcome. Thank you for reaching over your fence to put rat bait on top of OUR fence because you think rat bait is unsightly. Oh, and thank you for buying effective rat bait. Now I have a big butt rat who died with all four feet in the air… on top of our fence… conveniently 6 inches lower than your fence so you don’t have to look at it.

How’d a dead rat get into your pool? Umm…I don’t know.

Flashback Friday…

2007-09-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

Back in my budding high school years, my mom decided it would be best to send me to a private tutor of sorts – something about ‘rounded education’ and ‘you don’t listen to me anyway’. Mr. Mueller, the tutor, taught five other students and me the subjects of history, geography, and a little English/composition. He was well known for being difficult and his classes were nearly impossible to pass.

I hated him, but he was able to influence me more with one ‘don’t you dare backtalk me’ glance than my mom could with a good solid yell. He made me so terrifically frightened of failure that I studied for hours – even then, I barely grazed a B.

One semester, he decided it was important to know the states in the USA. But looking at a blank outlined map and identifying shapes of the states was far too easy according to Mr. Mueller. We were to practice drawing the map from memory on a blank sheet of paper and writing in the state names – including Washington D.C. If we missed any states on the drawn from memory map on our exam, we would be required to hand write the name of the state 100 times and hand draw 10 maps.

But nooooo, I couldn’t miss U-t-a-h.

I forgot P-e-n-n-s-y-l-v-a-n-i-a and W-a-s-h-i-n-g-t-o-n D.C.

2,400 letters to write – 20 maps to draw.

That was the day the battle lines were drawn.

I wrote out those two hundred state names… in the equivalent to 5 point font. I literally wrote smaller than a computer could print. Ohhhhh, and it didn’t stop there. Every homework assignment for the next two years was written in the smallest print I could possibly manage.

Unfortunately he was as stubborn as I was and never said a word about it – never once complained. He continued to grade my papers with an evil gusto making them look like a bloody red battle scene from Braveheart.

It took me 3 years after graduating high school to realize that he was preparing me for college and it would have been easier for him to let me slide. His goal wasn’t to reign like Hitler; it was to create bright, successful students who believed in themselves.

Hellooooo humble pie.

I ran into him at my classmates wedding a few years back…

I hugged him and thanked him…

Then offered to pay for the stylish bifocals he was wearing.

So thank you Mr. Mueller. Would you like me to draw you a map of the U.S.? Unfortunately the only places I can locate are Pennsylvania and Washington D.C.

I guess I’m still on the STEEP uphill learning curve…

2007-09-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

When I used to say I didn’t know how to cook, I always assumed that I could if I wanted to – without any help.

School has always been a walk in the park for me. I pick up a book, flip through the first and last page of each chapter, and ace the test. And to make things even easier for me… I LOVE LOVE LOVE to learn new things. Sure college had its difficult moments but those moments were usually caused by my not reading a book at all and expecting that if I slept on it (literally), it would radiate into my brain.

I also tried falling asleep listening to the Spanish radio station. Turns out – you can’t learn Spanish that way.

Bummer.

Cooking should be the same right?!? Follow directions = cook like Emeril Lagasse.

Humph. Not so much.

Cooking is quite literally an art.

I know what you’re thinking – ‘didn’t you get a bachelors degree in the fine arts?!?!?’ Well, yes and no. Film is an ‘art’ but it’s a very technical art. In school they teach you what light temperatures are effective for different feelings, what music brings out certain emotions, what colors on the color wheel to use to push your message, what sound volumes cause fear/happiness/excitement, etc.

When it comes to actual art… I ride the short bus.

I really am trying to learn and I appreciate all the help from mom. Perhaps she gets annoyed when I call her 15 times from the grocery store and beg for help – but she doesn’t let on.

Even with help, I had two pretty bad ‘cooking offenses’ this week…

When looking for purple cabbage… I ended up with Radishia (yup, I know I’m butchering the spelling of whatever it was I bought). What is Radishia? I have no idea but it looks a lot like purple cabbage – only smaller and a heck of a lot more expensive. I only realized my mistake when the cashier had to ask a co-worker what the cost code for Radishia was. I was too embarrassed to admit that all I wanted was purple cabbage so… I took it home and it sat in the veggie drawer until it rotted and I guiltily threw it away.

Then, I made dinner for everyone on Sunday. I nailed the Thai chicken (whew! - Nicole did help though) but when I went to cook the rice, Nicole just about blew a top.

‘Don’t you have regular rice?’ she asked

‘This is regular rice!’ I said as a stared at the box.

‘Hey. Retard. That’s instant rice!’ She laughed.

‘Aren’t all rices instant?!?!’ I questioned.

I honestly had no idea there was anything other than instant rice. Really?!? And it takes 20 minutes to cook?! Holy Cow! That’s a long time!

That's pretty much why I don't speak up in class. I'm hideously embarrassing.

Just so ya know, I am getting better. I made a total kick butt sautéed chicken with pasta last night. Sure it took me three hours to make it (when it probably should have taken an hour), but it was AMAZING!

Weekend… on a Wednesday…

2007-09-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

What a full weekend!

Friday night John, Lindsey, and Keira came over. I made Chimichitos (Baked Chimichangas) and they turned out… OK. I overdid the enchilada sauce a little. Turns out, the sauce was supposed to be on the outside, not the inside.

Mental note: Read directions.

Keira started projectile vomiting afterward. Lindsey was nice and claimed the little miss had been struggling since getting her shots earlier in the week.

It’s OK Lindsey, you can admit it was because Keira was sickened by the thought of me cooking.

Saturday John-E-Boy graduated from paramedic school. I told him I went to the graduation to ‘support him’ but in reality, there were 20 or so extremely hot guys in his graduating class and I wasn’t about to miss out on that sort of eye candy.

Katie – don’t lie. You weren’t there to ‘support’ John either.

Regardless, congrats dude. Your dedication to this has been amazing and despite the HUGE failure rate (classmates dropped off like flies throughout the last year) you successfully finished and finished well. I’m totally proud!

Now I have two totally awesome paramedic brothers!!

Sunday EVERYONE** came over to our house for Thai food. Wesley, in typical Wesley fashion, tornadoed the house in under 30 seconds. He found my candy stash in under 4 minutes (an all new record). Conversations with him went like this:

‘Hey buddy, is that my cordless phone? Where’s the other half?’

He leads me down the hallway and points to the floor.

‘Um no, that’s my ipod… and um, where’s the other half to that? I didn’t know my ipod could break apart like that – oh, I don’t think it’s supposed to. Is this rice?’

He followed that with a devilish grin and took off running.

More statements/questions made to Wesley (since conversations are pretty much always one way with a kid who doesn’t speak):

‘Hey bud, can you please not touch those papers? They are very important to Auntie Bekah’

‘Please don’t shut off…’ He runs over, finds the power button and turns it off ‘…my computer.’

‘Why are these papers all torn…up… WESLEY!!’

‘Nightstands are not made for jumping on.’

‘No!! Not the lamp! It was $8 and definitely NOT childproof!!’

‘Exactly how much candy have you had?’

‘Does anyone know why there is a tampon under my pillow?’

And my personal favorite –

‘Why are my shorts on your head?’

To which Nicole responds, ‘He probably couldn’t find your underwear.’

** ‘Everyone’ is defined as: Mom, Pops, Colegate, Rev, Tallon, Wesley, Me, and Chris. Happy mom?

I thought so!!

2007-09-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

Chris and I received a Supplemental Tax bill a few days ago.

What is a Supplemental Tax bill? It’s when the city sits down, looks at what you already paid, and says, ‘You know what, let’s charge them more! Sure the people are probably broke but we need another $900 toilet seat for the mayor’s bathroom’.

Technically: On July 1, 1983, California State law was changed to require the reassessment of property following a change of ownership or the completion of new construction. This reassessment may result in one or more supplemental tax bills being mailed to the assessed owner, in addition to the annual property tax bill.

How much is our Supplemental Bill?

$666

Nope. I don’t think it’s coincidental that our additional tax assessment is also the ‘mark of the beast’.

We paid $667… just to be safe.

In case you missed it, try out the Thai Curry recipe below!!

No seriously, I AM posting a recipe. Weird huh?!?!

2007-09-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

Chris and I are fascinated by Sam the Cooking guy (previously on Cox Cable channel 4, but now he has his own show on Discovery Health called ‘Just Cook This with Sam the Cooking Guy’)

For those of you who like ‘Panang’ Chicken with a little bit of ‘Evil Prince’, you’ve GOT to try this!

Frankly, if I can make it… YOU can make it – even though I did overcook the chicken just a little. I’m getting better, the chicken was edible!

It says it serves 6. Well, it serves 6 … or one person who loves Thai food.

Oh, and watch Sam the Cooking Guy. He’s amazing.

Thai Curried Chicken

Ingredients

6 boneless, skinless chicken thighs

One 14 ounce can light coconut milk

2 teaspoons cumin

2 teaspoons curry powder

2 tablespoons Asian chili paste (I used Asian chili sauce and it worked just as well)

Zest of one lime plus the juice (no zester? no worry - just use the juice)Cilantro, chopped fine for garnishCooked rice for serving

Trim chicken of any extra fat. In a large bowl, combine coconut milk, cumin, curry, chili paste, lime zest and juice, mix well.

Reserve about 1/3 of the sauce for after, but add the chicken to the rest. Mix well, cover and marinate—anywhere from 15 minutes to overnight.

Heat bbq or grill pan and cook chicken on both side until cooked though—those cool grill marks are perfect here. While the chicken cooks, simmer the extra sauce in a small pot to thicken.

Slice into strips, serve on top of rice with a little extra sauce and a sprinkle of cilantro.

Serves 6.

Those sunglasses? I’ll take two!

2007-09-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I purchased a VERY expensive pair of sunglasses. 10 whole dollars! Hey, when you live on a budget of thirty bucks, more than 33% is a lot to spend on such frivolous items! Especially when Kenney Chesney is releasing a new album… there goes another 33%!

The sunglasses are black and HUGE! I literally look like Nicole Richie when I put them on.

I put them on yesterday and debated whether or not to return them. Let’s be realistic, I could spend ten bucks on so many other cool things and I wasn’t sure if I REALLY liked them.

I was driving through Del Taco (goodbye another 9%) and carefully handed my cash to the drive through attendant (I treat money so very tenderly these days).

‘Hi there! Are you skipping school today?!?’ he asked as he took my bills.

‘School?’ I questioned.

‘I know when you Santana kids ditch!’ he laughed.

Santana… Santana?!? For those of you who don't know, Santana is the high school across the street from Del Taco.

*pause*

‘Actually…’ I started.

*LONG pause*

‘Yeah, you caught me. It’s senior ditch day! Come on! Just don’t tell my mom OK?!’ I smiled.

Sure the glasses cover half my face but in doing that, they cover the fine lines around my eyes, and the smile lines on my cheeks.

I’m buying 10 more pairs of these sunglasses.

Like. Totally.

Reason for divorce? Well, your honor, it’s like this, it was the shower doors…

2007-09-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Chris and I finally have two working showers, two working toilets, and one working sink. The second sink will be installed tomorrow. I’m so ECSTATIC about having TWO showers and TWO toilets, I’m not too concerned with the whole ‘missing sink’ part.

But there’s a problem - those stupid shower doors.

As I mentioned before, we had to buy plain glass shower doors – a cleaning nightmare. Hey, when you don’t have a choice, you don’t have a choice. Each morning, the last person out of the shower spends 4.67 minutes squeegeeing the glass. Yup. I timed it.

4.67 minutes shivering in the shower while listening to the ‘EEEEEEK, SQUEEEEEEK, SCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEECH’ sounds of the squeegee.

It’s enough to drive anyone mad.

Mad enough to wake up at any time necessary to be the first in and out of the shower. Mad enough to trip/kick/hit your husband on his way to the bathroom and lock him out. Mad enough to shout, ‘HA HA! SUCKER! Beat you again! Squeegee duty for you!!’.

‘When did our marriage start its downhill plunge? Well your honor, that would be September 8th, the day I went to Target and bought a squeegee.’

Flashback Friday

2007-09-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

This was an old journal entry from March 14, 2005:

Chris called me on my way home yesterday and asked me to pick up a few things for dinner. I did my typical stroll around the grocery store and grabbed his requested rice, beans, and Louisiana hot sausage. On my way to the rice and beans, I was summoned to some freshly made cinnamon rolls… and some bagels… and some ding dongs…

I stood in the frozen foods aisle and debated whether or not potato skins could be considered a meal. Potatoes, cheese, bacon. Mealish right? After thinking carefully, I decided that they couldn’t… unless I ate them by myself.

I finally finished and started looking for check stand. The ‘9 items or less lane’ was relatively deserted so I looked at my tiny basket and thought, ‘Surely there are not more that 9 items in there. I’m just here for rice, beans, and hot links!’ and started to unload my stuff onto the conveyer belt. One, two, ….Eleven, Twelve… Sixteen, Seventeen - do bagels count as one item or six? And what was the limit again? Quickly realizing that I was over the limit, I carefully stacked my items to hide the quantity. You know how you do it - you stack the 8 boxes of rice behind the 3 cans of beans. I glanced at the girl behind me knowing she was thinking, ‘One, Two…Fifteen, Sixteen…HEY!!!’

By that point I was embarrassed and felt awful about my complete lack of estimating skills. Who knew those ding dongs and bagels (which either counted as one or six) could throw me over?I finally get up to the cashier who stares at me and says ‘Wait a minute.’

...Just as I was about to throw myself to the floor, beg for mercy, and tell her what an accident it was she says, ‘I know you.’ I didn’t know whether to be relieved that she knew me and could grant forgiveness or embarassed that she knew me and may have thought I was ‘one of those people’.

I’m not ‘one of those people’!! I just can’t count!!

Come to find out, I know her daughter.

Umm, Alicia. … yeah… you can tell your mom I’m sorry for being the 17 (23 if the bagels are more than one item) items in the 9 items or less lane.

Did you just day that out loud?!?!!?

2007-09-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

Cooking class has been… interesting. I’m learning more and more each session about my classmates. Unfortunately the program isn’t just a bunch of cooking classes with helpful tips to use at home. It’s a full fledged culinary arts program designed to train students to become professional chefs. Most of the students have the ‘chef mentality’. You know: self absorbed, know-it-all, vain, cocky, mean, etc, etc.

I finally found my element!

Kidding!

The frustrating part is, I’m not there to learn how to cook in some muffy buffy La Jolla restaurant. I’m just there to learn how to bake chicken so Chris won’t have to cut it into tiny pieces to swallow whole since chewing the dry crusted rock I usually make isn’t an option.

I know I can’t cook very well. That’s why I’m there. A good portion of my classmates on the other hand raised their hands during the ‘getting to know you’ portion of the class and proudly declared they had been cooking for 18 or more years. These people are 21!! Will someone please tell them that mixing flour and water for a paper mache project in preschool doesn’t count?

I was blanching (see! I use big words now!) broccoli for the required 2 minutes when a fellow classmate tapped his shoe and crossed his arms while staring me down. He needed to clean the pot I was using. I smiled and apologized for taking so long (not sure why I apologized, I was 10 minutes ahead of schedule). He grunted and said, ‘You guys are the slowest team. So slow.’

I desperately wanted to say, ‘How can you speed up 2 minutes? Do you think I’m Cyclops from X-Men and can use my laser to cook faster?!?! By the way, you have a huge booger hanging half out of your nose!’ then kick him in the kneecaps BUT…

1 – He probably thinks Cyclops IS real.
2 – NOT telling people they have boogers hanging out is meaner than telling them.
3 – He probably would have kicked me back.

I’m slowly figuring out why chefs wear those big hats… it’s to cover their HUGE heads.

Weekend Stuff…

2007-09-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

Chris and I started our weekend off right by going to see Mamma Mia at the San Diego Civic Theater. Mixed in with the excellent dialog, the cast sang ABBA songs. I, of course, SANG through the whole thing and bobbed my head to ‘Dancing Queen’, ‘S.O.S’, and ‘Mamma Mia’.

I looked at Chris halfway through and asked him why he wasn’t more into the music. He pulled his fingers out of his ears (I didn’t think I sang THAT bad – but of course, I wasn’t exactly hitting the high notes on the ‘Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine oh yeeeaaah. You can dance, you can jiiiiive, having the time of your life’ part) and told me he didn’t know the music.

Didn’t know ABBA?!?!

How the …?!?! What the …?!?! GRR!!

He was robbed.

I’m ordering the CD off Amazon.com today.

In all actuality, he liked it the show. But how could you not? ABBA?!? Hello?!?!

Saturday we had everyone over to the house for a mini-BBQ. The food was fabulous and the four or so bottles of wine were great too. I was ‘researching’ for my wine class mom. ‘Reeeeesearching’.

Sunday we hit up a fabulous Irish pub called ‘The Field’ before the Padre game. I’m not sure what ‘boxty’ is but it was yummy! The service was so so but the food was amazingly good. I miss Ireland.
The Padres lost to the Dodgers but we were sitting in the air-conditioned comfort of the Western Metal Building with amazing seats near third base so I didn’t care.

Monday we worked on the house all day. Had my mom told me to work out in the yard in that kind of heat while I was still at home, I would have threatened to call the Child Abuse Hotline but somehow, when it’s your own place, it’s not so bad. OK. It was awful. It was stinkin’ hot. It was flaming hot and I thought I was going to die! But the yard is looking better. We planted two more Queen Palms (so very California I know) and three more bougainvilleas – the only two plant types I haven’t killed…yet.

And it’s planned…

2007-09-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve been looking for a place to spend Chris and my third anniversary for over a month. I’ve been watching airfare deals, hotel deals, rooms in exchange for services…

And the winner is:

Napa Valley!!

Why?

Southwest was offering a steal of a deal to Oakland.
Thrifty Rent-a-Car loves me.
The Beazley House B & B peeps are nice.

… and there’s a motel in the ghetto for um… I’m not even going to say how much we are paying a night. It’s just embarrassing. Let’s just say, Chris and I went out to dinner the other night… and it cost more than our hotel… and it was a cheap dinner.

The itinerary -

Day 1-2.5:
Driving through San Fran, Sausalito, and Marin. Hiking around the Russian River, biking through Sonoma, walking on the coastal trails, checking out the Armstrong Redwood and Petrified Forests. Avoiding our ghetto motel at all costs.

Day 2.5-5:
Wine tasting, checking out Downtown Napa, wine tasting, catching the Napa trolley around town, wine tasting, enjoying our awesome Bed & Breakfast, and wine tasting.

All this and it’s $468 less than a trip to Temecula for the same amount of time. Psh. Temecula. What a rip off.

9 weeks and 2 days to go.

That seems like forever.

I’ll update you later on our weekend. It was a full one.

Oh come on! They don’t call me a whiner for nothing!!

2007-08-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

When Chris and I first started our search for a home we were VERY concerned about the size of the yard. We even turned down a brand new home because the yard was tiny – well that and it was in El Cajon. I have standards.

Stop it with the Santee/Santucky/Clantee jokes before you start.

If you’ve seen our house, you know we have a fairly good sized backyard. A fairly good sized yard that looks more like a compost pile than a landscape architect’s dream.

As I worked for hours outside this weekend I wondered over and over…

WHY IN HEAVEN’S NAME DID I WANT A BIG BACKYARD?!?!?!?!

I ruined a pair of jeans, tore a tank top, and got sweat in my eyes!

Let’s not even talk about my sunburn with a cute little armband of white left by my Ipod holder.

Don’t worry, there are some redeeming qualities.

1.) Weight loss.
2.) Great natural hair highlights.

First day jitters….

2007-08-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

Cooking class started on Tuesday. I’m really excited about it and I found myself looking over the syllabus with a strange glee. Why strange? I thought my passions were more on the eating side of the food spectrum and way less on the making it.

The teacher is incredibly full of himself. When the ‘let me take a moment to tell you a little about myself’ lasts 40 minutes and can be summed up with ‘I think I’m the greatest’ - it’s a problem. He was sure to let us know several times that he was religious. I wanted to let him know that being religious means you believe IN God, not that you believe you ARE one.

Despite my excitement, I struggled to stay awake. Our bedroom ceiling fan has recently started sounding like a kazoo playing March of the Bees (or maybe the Dora the Explorer theme song, I’m just not sure)… loudly. I’m a light sleeper so it keeps me up all night. I would ask Chris to fix it but finding time between full time school, full time work, and remodeling a bathroom, it isn’t in the cards. Where’s a landlord when you need him!!??

Chris is showing an excitement about school too… but hardly for the same reasons. He was hit on by a 17 year old anorexic in training. I gave him a hug hello when he came home from school last night and could smell the cologne he doesn’t even wear for me anymore. Hmm. Someone’s interested in impressing the ladies!

You know what? We aren’t permitted to wear rings in cooking class because of the danger of bacteria getting into the settings. All I have to say to Chris is this… GAME ON BUDDY!

I went to see my doctor before school on Tuesday. I really think they should have you fill out a checklist before getting on the scale and it should look like this:

Long hair - ½ pound
Shoes – ½ pound
Clothes – 1 pound
Just ate a big meal – ¾ pound
Drank lots of water – ½ pound
You thought the new ‘veggie’ chips were healthy and downed the whole bag – 8 pounds
(turns out… fried potatoes are veggies too)

They should let you check off all that apply and subtract that from what you weigh.

Maybe then I’ll actually weigh what I tell Chris I weigh.

‘I’m 110 honey I swear!’

I’m on to you 17 year old anorexic in training….

Sure you may ACTUALLY weight 110, but on technicalities… I’m right there with ya.

AND… for all who are interested – Mike is out fighting fires in LA. He had to drive 8 miles to get cell service and tell us he was OK. He’s currently on the front lines and defending structures. But don’t feel too bad, he sleeps in an air-conditioned trailer.

A little prayer for his safety would be nice if you don’t mind.

Silly Colegate

2007-08-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

So Nicole has a poll on the left side of her BLOG.

Go check it out.

Vote and vote often.

http://onemomsdreams.blogspot.com/

Aww!

2007-08-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

Chris went with John-E and Lindsey to the Charger practice and they took little miss Keira. I absolutely love this picture.

Someday, he'll be an awesome dad.

Excuse me, HOW much is that?!?!

2007-08-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

Chris and I went out last night to purchase a shower door. We’ve been looking around and have had some serious difficulty finding a door for our awkward shower opening size.

I was adamant against clear glass. I’ve heard horror stories of the effort it takes to keep them clean and as a person who struggles to keep my home clean in general, it didn’t seem like the best decision. Well that, and the two men in my life are hardly capable of taking 3 seconds to pull the cheap shower curtain back into place, I’d be an idiot to hope they would take 5 minutes to squeegee.

Unfortunately, the ONLY in-stock size we could find was clear glass. Oh, the dears offered to special order us the doors we wanted… for $160 more. But the problem was - we already had to offer them our first born for the in-stock model, now they wanted the knee caps of our second child. I had to draw the line somewhere…

Unfortunately for our second born, my limit isn’t until the elbows.

Sorry sweetheart!

Kidding!!

We went with the clear glass. We’re broke and I’ve learned that settling isn’t so bad.

I think I’ll go buy one of those 3 foot squeegees from a professional window cleaner.

On top of all that, I MAY have been a bit moody last night – I’ve been forced to diet.

We’ve got this delicious bin of Peanut M & M’s at the office. I’d plunder the stash at least 3 or 4 times a day… until I realized how many sets of hands went into that thing.

Suddenly I was overwhelmed with the thought about the quantity of germs in there. So overwhelmed, that I became intensely interested in who did and who did not wash their hands after they used the restroom.

Frankly, I don’t know what kind of obsessive compulsive psychopath makes tiny tears in the bathroom dry towels to see who is and who is not a believer in hand sanitization. What kind of crazy do you have to be to …

Oh who am I kidding. I totally did that. But you guys don’t understand my desperate NEED for Peanut M & M’s!!!

And the results?

If I get the inkling for a Peanut M & M’s, I’m buying my own.

Perhaps this forced diet by means of germaphobia will be good for me.

Maybe I’ll be a little less J. Lo, a little more Cameron Diaz.

Just be glad you don’t work with me.

A Peek...

2007-08-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

... of the master bath remodel so far.

The shower was grouted after I took this picture.

We're getting there. Slowly, but it's coming along...

You! Yes, you. Please step into my office…

2007-08-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure why but I’m seemingly turning into a ferocious beast.

We recently had an office ‘vacated’ and as the not so proud owner of a cubicle near the bathrooms, you can bet I was vying for the new space before the exiting body was even cold.

I begged, I pleaded, and in the end…

Will you please step into my office?

I’m not sure why I like those words so much… other than it means I have an office… with a real door.

In other ferocious news, I’m not a big fan of unnecessary violence against animals. If you plan on eating them… go right ahead but otherwise, be nice.

Well… that was before I owned a yard and had to PAY to replace dead plants.

Suddenly I’ve got the itch to tear gopher heads off and burn the dead bodies.

I’ve decided to do Fall Foliage tours in my backyard. The difference is, photosynthesis will not be involved like back east – in my yard, decomposition gives the leaves the yellow hue.

Proceeds from the tour will be used to purchase new plants... and bulk poison.

I’m working on planning Chris and my anniversary trip. We were going to do Kauai this year but Chris can’t be gone more than 4 days (stupid school & dedication to good grades) and by the time you get a 5.5 hour flight in there, you’d have no time left - so we’re staying local…ish. I’m thinking – the wine country.

Temecula!

Temecula isn’t the wine country??!?!

Well, regardless, I’m still figuring out what to do within a 1-2 hour flight or drive. I really can’t think of anything exciting in AZ, OR, or NV. And NO, Vegas isn’t an anniversary trip folks. So Trampy!!

Perhaps that song isn’t appropriate at work…

2007-08-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

I attended two meetings in L.A. last week. They went well and I’m hoping for some good results over the next few weeks.

I guess I need to brush up my ‘small group professional skills’ a bit more though; I’m a bit out of practice.

First, I turned a bright shade of red every time I had to speak. I can handle large groups like a champ… it’s the 15 or less that makes me nervous. Perhaps if I had a tan this wouldn’t be a big deal, but my nearly translucent skin hides absolutely nothing.

Next time – turtle neck.

Second, I forgot to turn off my cell phone at the meeting on Friday. Midway through, the chimes started going off. I pushed every button and held down the power but the darn thing just kept dinging! The phone finally turned off and all I kept thinking was - thank heavens it wasn’t Chris.

Every time he calls, ‘You Give Love a Bad Name’ blares.

Chris jokingly told me that if we ever got divorced, he would sue me for alimony.

Knowing he would, knowing my family would be on his side of the courtroom, and knowing he’d win, I told him, ‘While my love for you may fade, my love for my money never will. I will stay by your side forever’ and that was the night Jon Bon Jovi started singing Chris’ ring tone.

And people wonder how we keep the romance alive…

Wait. What?!?!

2007-08-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I returned almost all the clothes I bought in ‘therapy’ last week. It’s not that I didn’t need them, I just feel so guilty about spending money I always end up returning things.

The saleslady asked for my driver’s license so she could fill out some paperwork. I kept repeating in my head, ‘Remember ID, Remember ID, Remember ID’ because they ALWAYS forget to give it back.

And I did remember my ID …

Three days later when I went to show it after using my debit card and realized it was missing.

Good thing I had cash. Who knew those movie theater guys were such ID Nazi’s?

On Wednesday, I drove all the way to the mall, hiked up to the top floor, and approached the customer service counter,

‘Hi, I called last night. My name’s Rebekah Atk…’

‘Oh yes. I answered the phone,’ she interrupted, ‘I’ll get your card for you. Do you have ID?’

‘It is my ID’ I laughed.

‘Oh geez!’ She laughed back.

‘Do you have any other ID?’ she asked when she returned holding my treasured California License.

‘You mean instead of the picture ID you are holding?’ I asked trying to take out the bite of sarcasm.

‘Yes’ she said flatly.

I dug through my wallet and pulled out my 3 year old college photo ID card that looks noticeably LESS like me than the ID she was holding (I was going through a short hair phase and quickly realized I had WAY too much ‘volume’ – OK, it was frizz but volume sounds better - for short hair).

She stared at my picture for a long time then reluctantly handed my ID over.

And here I thought McDonalds and Burger King were the only businesses kind enough to employ the mentally challenged.

Happy 9th!!

2007-07-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

Happy anniversary to Colegate Pump and Aaron.

It's no wonder your marriage has lasted with teamwork like this:

Congrats guys!

But I was just trying to be Eco-Friendly!!

2007-07-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

In an effort to ‘do my part for the environment’ and ‘stop the melting of the polar ice caps’, I decided to grow only native plants in our yard…

… Well, that or our home improvement fund went bust and we can’t afford plants until August.

It just so happens that the only plants ‘native’ to our yard are… weeds.

That news worries me because I struggle to keep them alive. Who can’t grow weeds?!?!

*I meekly raise my hand in surrender*

Maybe I can bring back the popularity of rock gardens.

As I trounced to my car this morning, I was slapped in the belly by a baby tree (the only thing LIVING in our yard) that – I swear – grew 3 feet in less than a week and is taking over our sidewalk. Had I pulled the darn thing when I first saw it wouldn’t have been a big deal but now I need a shovel and it just so happens… I don’t own one.

Now I hear ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ by Guns N’ Roses blaring in my head every time I leave or come home.

I guess I realized our yard problem when we first bought the house but obviously the problem has grown (or not - ha ha!) over the last month as we have received several business cards for landscapers stuffed in our door. Either a.) Our neighbors are trying to give us a not so subtle hint or b.) News of our yard is circulating in the landscaper underground network as a potential cash cow and everyone wants a piece.

Probably both.

Come over sometime. Listen to Axl Rose with me!

Woman vs. Mall…

2007-07-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rough day. We’re overcoming some interesting ‘opportunities for solution’ at the office. I ate 12 Hershey Toffee Nuggets as a therapy of sorts. Unfortunately the only ‘therapeutic effect’ was an upset tummy.

When all else fails, I see my therapist… Mrs. Westfield Mall – her office is in UTC and she specializes in the ‘Nordstrom Half Yearly Sale’ method.

She’s there for me when I need her.

Comforting, loveable, expensive…

I rarely go to this mall and quickly found myself lost. There were 4 exits out of the GIANT Macy’s store and only ONE of them led to the mall. Thankfully I was able to use the skills I learned from ‘Man vs. Wild’ on the Discovery Channel to escape the store using plastic hangers and a few straight pins.

Chris got a raise last week. I kinda spent it. Or three months of it anyway.

I feel GREAT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

2007-07-23T07:51:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday to Cole! I'm not sure how old she is but I tell everyone she's 26.

Have a good one!!